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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27757603">Mistletoe and Champagne</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cruel_Cupid/pseuds/Cruel_Cupid'>Cruel_Cupid</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>SEVENTEEN (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>AU 1990s, Anal Sex, Boss Jeonghan, Christmas, Christmas Party, Eventual Romance, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Humour, Intern Seungcheol, M/M, Misunderstandings, New York City, Smut, basically a romcom, slight angst</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 21:34:24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>19,767</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27757603</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cruel_Cupid/pseuds/Cruel_Cupid</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Seungcheol’s eyes widen. ‘We can go on a practice date! Me and you! It’s Christmas in New York City – we can do all the cheesy romantic stuff and I’ll give you pointers.'</p>
<p>He can’t imagine what Jun would think of this; his best friend had gone out of his way to manifest Jeonghan’s ideal man, and all he can do in thanks is to go off gallivanting with the office intern. </p>
<p>‘Okay, fine. I’ll go on a fake date with you. But you have to promise to go easy on me.’</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Choi Seungcheol | S.Coups/Yoon Jeonghan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>172</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/bonnieanonnie/gifts">bonnieanonnie</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I'm back with a new fic! And this one is a special birthday gift for my gf who absolutely deserves to have (almost) 20k words written for her...</p>
<p>But I'm hoping everyone else will enjoy a good, corny christmas fic with plenty of fluff too!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>New York City, December 1995</em>
</p>
<p>The editorial meeting room, as ever, is full of people that shouldn’t be in it. Wednesday afternoons are always like this; the paper goes to print the following morning and Jeonghan has never once seen the department get its workload sent off in a timely manner. Today is no exception. There are five journalists in the office, plus the editor in chief and an intern with a penchant for slipping in and out of rooms he doesn’t belong in. </p>
<p>‘I told you, I can’t name my sources,’ Kim Mingyu says, the cigarette in his hand all but forgotten as it drops ash onto the new table. Jeonghan is reminded once again of his dislike for the cavalier attitudes of investigative reporters.</p>
<p>‘If we go to print with a story this risky – and one with <em>very few</em> credible sources, might I add – we’ll lose all traction on this within a week. The other papers will snap it up and they’ll do it better.’ Jeonghan knows Mingyu well enough to pick up on the tell-tale signs of frustration; the set jaw, the spread legs, the way the veins in his forearms protrude just a little. All these little tells make an appearance when Jeonghan retorts back.</p>
<p>But Mingyu isn’t the only writer with a mouth on him. Boo Seungkwan has done his best to keep quiet, no doubt out of respect for his seniors, but there’s only so much the reporter can take. ‘Never mind Mingyu’s feature!’ He pulls out a wedge of papers from his briefcase and scatters them right in front of Jeonghan. <em>‘My</em> sources have pulled through – I’ve taken the liberty of mocking up a piece for the front page—’</p>
<p>‘It’s settled.’</p>
<p>Jeonghan still has Seungkwan’s copy on his hands when Jihoon speaks up. The editor in chief is nothing of not patient – Jeonghan suspects he has a taste for the theatrical and times his revelations for maximum drama, leaving the rest of them to struggle with a sinking ship. Jeonghan sometimes feels like his job as managing editor is pointlessly stress-fuelled. </p>
<p>‘We’re running Mingyu’s story.’ Jihoon drops his pen onto the table like a judge hitting his gavel: a decision has been made. </p>
<p>‘But—’ Seungkwan attempts to fight back, but Lee Jihoon is out of the room in record time. As always, Jeonghan is left to pick up the pieces. He leads only when it’s most inconvenient for Jihoon; like a dutiful second in command, Jeonghan does his boss’s dirty work.</p>
<p>He tries not to let it get to him; he also tries to ignore the intern that’s come in to rustle through the filling cabinet for the third time. On a day like today, he’s hardly worth Jeonghan’s attention.</p>
<p>‘I need you to polish the fifth paragraph, I want it more precise. More readable,’ Jeonghan points a finger at Mingyu and the reporter salutes in response.</p>
<p>‘Aye aye, captain.’ </p>
<p>‘The rest of you can hang around and proofread, then see that it’s sent off. And Seungkwan?’ Jeonghan shrugs on his coat and gets the writer’s attention. He looks wounded, let down. ‘You did good work today. Keep it up.’</p>
<p>Jeonghan is too bust thinking about the Manhattan traffic at rush hour to look back and notice the small smile on his reporter’s face.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>-</p>
<p>
  <em>You might wonder why we’ve started our story here of all places – with a smart, successful man in the dizzying world of journalism. You might think you know where this is headed; New York City, ambition, betrayal, the risky business of climbing the corporate ladder. You might see coldness in our hero. You might see an unforgiving glint of pride in his brown eyes. But I would advise that you look a little deeper, dear reader.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Because believe it or not, this is a love story.</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>-</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Seungcheol emerges from the subway into the December evening air and sees his breath escape in a cloud of bitterly cold air. This has become a kind of routine by now; it’s so familiar that he almost doesn’t feel uneasy as he walks through the neighbourhood of townhouses and apartment buildings that are much too fancy for the likes of him. This is the New York you see in movies and TV shows, and it looks every bit as magical and vacuous as it does on the screen – now more than ever. Seungcheol’s route is illuminated by Christmas lights of varying degrees of brightness and offensiveness. He’s not exactly anti-christmas, but he doesn’t have much cause for celebration either.</p>
<p>Not when he’s been passed up for a promotion <em>again.</em></p>
<p>He pulls his jacket tight around him as the first few flakes of early snow drop like cold kisses on his forehead and the tip of his nose. Maybe his boss had been right when he scolded him for showing up to work in a leather jacket instead of a blazer – it’s definitely not keeping him warm, that’s for sure.</p>
<p>As he turns the corner, he wonders how he’s ever going to become a real bona fide reporter without breaking a few rules. Seungcheol knew his presence had been noted in the meeting room and there would probably be consequences for an intern like himself crossing the holy threshold into the editorial realm.</p>
<p>He just hopes said consequences can wait until morning.</p>
<p>When he finally reaches the apartment building, Seungcheol finds it decked out with holly and tinsel. There’s a sprig of mistletoe hanging over the entrance, but he doesn’t care much for the idea of planting a kiss on the doorman’s cheek. By now he just about recognises Seungcheol and tips his hat to him in a silent, respectful greeting. It helps. Seungcheol feels a little less out of place when he steps into the lobby of the luxury complex and hurries over to the elevator. It goes up and up, the smooth rumble of its progress inciting a sense of belated excitement in him.</p>
<p>It’s a sense of excitement that only increases when he knocks on the apartment door and hears a distant voice call over: ‘Come in!’</p>
<p>The décor of the apartment never fails to amaze Seungcheol, and tonight (just as ever) he drinks in the chic cream walls, the huge windows with a view of the city skyline so beautiful it hurts. Everything exudes wealth and taste, from the bookshelves to the lampshades, but Seungcheol only wants to look at one thing. </p>
<p>Jeonghan is sat on the kitchen counter in a black satin slip. He has a glass of red wine in his hand and devastating smile on his face. He’s been waiting. As he hops off the counter, his blonde hair – just long enough to be called pretty – is tossed about and Seungcheol fights back the urge to tuck the loose strands behind his ears.</p>
<p>It wouldn’t be appropriate. He’s Seungcheol’s boss.</p>
<p>‘You’re late,’ Jeonghan says, pulling off Seungcheol’s jacket and already making a start on the buttons of his shirt. ‘I missed you.’ As eager and needy as ever, Jeonghan bites at his earlobe just to hammer the point home. </p>
<p>‘Well I don’t know how <em>you</em> got here so quickly but I have a feeling it didn’t involve the subway. The train stopped for six minutes— I timed it, it’s just not—’</p>
<p>He clears his throat. Jeonghan’s doe eyed stare has shifted into a more scathing one and Seungcheol remembers himself. There’s a very fine line that he’s not supposed to cross.</p>
<p>Thankfully, it’s easy enough to get into the swing of things when Jeonghan pulls his shirt off completely and starts kissing his chest, leaving love bites as he goes. The marks from last time haven’t fully faded yet – they’re still red and soft when he looks in the mirror each evening – and he wonders how Jeonghan’s body must look. He had more bruises and hickeys by far. </p>
<p>Seungcheol is hungry to see every inch of his smooth, tanned skin. In the heat of the moment he tilts the other man’s face up towards his own; Jeonghan is shocked by the roughness of it, the sudden startling eye contact. He’d meant to kiss him, deeply and desperately, but the notion slips out of Seungcheol’s grasp as he remembers the rules:</p>
<p>
  <em>No interacting at work.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>No feelings.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Never ever kiss me on the mouth.</em>
</p>
<p>Frustrated by his own moment of weakness, he pushes Jeonghan against the wall hard. It elicits a moan of surprise and pleasure from the other man and Seungcheol lets the sound of it wash over him. All Jeonghan has ever wanted from him is this roughness; he looks at Seungcheol and he sees broadness, firm hands, a physically commanding presence. Nothing more. Tired of playing the boss – the big-league editor – he wants to be dominated.</p>
<p>And what does Seungcheol see when he looks at Jeonghan? He sees angelic blonde hair, a slim waist, an opportunity to let out his frustration after long day of being ignored and looked down on. </p>
<p>It should be easier than this. He shouldn’t want to kiss him.</p>
<p>On a good day, Seungcheol would want to drag this out; it’s not in his nature to be coarse and selfish. It’s not really in his nature to sleep around, but Seungcheol has already broken so many of rules that he wonders why he shouldn’t break one more. Being around Jeonghan today is… difficult.</p>
<p>Confusing.</p>
<p>Seungcheol really isn’t cut out for this kind of friends with benefits relationship. Annoyed by the complexity of it all, he decides he can’t wait a moment longer; self-hatred turns so easily to lust and Seungcheol lifts Jeonghan up against the wall. His boss reciprocates by wrapping his long legs around Seungcheol’s waist. Jeonghan must be able to feel how embarrassingly hard he already is – perhaps he’s realised this won’t be their usual kind of hook-up.</p>
<p>There will be no king-sized bed today. No restraints or handcuffs. No begging.</p>
<p>Instead, there’s a silent understanding between the two of them, and Jeonghan breathes heavily as Seungcheol moves a hand towards his belt and unbuckles it. He wouldn’t do this if he wasn’t absolutely sure Jeonghan had already fooled around with himself and prepped before Seungcheol arrived, but Seungcheol feels a thrill of illicit excitement as he pushes inside Jeonghan and sets a quick rhythm. </p>
<p>He doesn’t stop until Jeonghan’s moans go silent as he tilts his head against the wall and digs his nails into Seungcheol’s back.</p>
<p>When he finishes – clarity.</p>
<p>Feeling suddenly exposed, he lowers Jeonghan back onto the floor and hurries to button up his shirt. Seungcheol can’t leave quick enough. </p>
<p>‘So I’ll see you at work tomorrow?’ Jeonghan is trying small talk. This is new.</p>
<p>‘Uhh yeah. Definitely.’ Has it always been this difficult to put on a belt? Seungcheol’s fingers just won’t cooperate. He sort of feels like crying but he doesn’t know why.</p>
<p>Jeonghan stares him down as he dresses with a very familiar look of concentration. It’s the same look he gets when he searches for typos in a first draft. </p>
<p>‘Do you want me to drive you to your place? It’s no trouble—’</p>
<p>‘No!’ He didn’t mean to respond so vehemently. ‘I mean, no thank you. I think I could use some air. I’ll uhh… see myself out now. Bye.’</p>
<p>Slamming the door behind him, Seungcheol stops to catch his breath. Running away from a one-night stand with the most beautiful out-of-his-league man Seungcheol has ever seen is probably a new low – even for him. If only he could be less childish, less sentimental.  </p>
<p>A bit less like himself.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>-</p>
<p> </p>
<p>‘You’re actually on time for once! This is a miracle.’</p>
<p>Jeonghan is breathless as he reaches Jun’s booth at the back of the diner. He shrugs off his Chanel bag – a cute little black number he’d spent his last bonus on – and slides onto the green leather seat. By now he’s so immune to his friend’s sarcasm that he doesn’t even dignify it with a response. </p>
<p>‘I already put in our orders,’ Jun says, taking the menu out of Jeonghan’s hands. ‘I know what your schedule’s like.’</p>
<p>‘Double cheeseburger?’</p>
<p>‘With a strawberry shake on the side. Stress eating at its finest.’</p>
<p>Jeonghan hums in approval before calling over the waitress and asking for a slice of cherry pie for dessert – it’s one of those days. </p>
<p>‘That paper is gonna be the death of you—’</p>
<p>‘Can we <em>please</em> not talk about work right now?’ Jeonghan moans. He wishes the kitchen staff would hurry up with his burger and fries. </p>
<p>‘That’s music to my ears! I’ve had a million things to talk to you about, but you’ve been too busy complaining.’ </p>
<p>Jeonghan knows he’s going to regret asking: ‘Like what?’</p>
<p>‘Like your love life,’ his friend grins.</p>
<p>The arrival of their food is a pleasant enough distraction from Jun’s nosiness, and Jeonghan wastes no time digging into the burger – it tastes like heaven and he wonders why he ever thought about eating healthy in the first place. </p>
<p>His mouth is full when he replies. ‘I don’t <em>have</em> a love life.’</p>
<p>‘I can’t imagine why,’ Jun rolls his eyes and looks mildly disgusted. He’s quite content to pick at Jeonghan’s fries, holding them lightly as if they were still dripping in grease from the frier. Fast food isn’t exactly Jun’s forte; he’s every bit the stylish New Yorker with a taste for fine dining and candlelit restaurants. In fact, it was Jun that helped Jeonghan “fit in” after his long-awaited promotion to managing editor. After years working at an elite, independent gallery he knows a thing or two about good taste— <em>‘Get a taste for wine and ditch the beer, never leave the house with bad hair, walk into every room like you own it.’</em></p>
<p>But his friend’s favourite thing to meddle with has always been Jeonghan’s potential partners – or disappointing lack thereof. </p>
<p>‘Look, men are trash. And I don’t think I need one. I’m happy, I’m earning more money than I can spend, and everything is totally great.’ Jeonghan takes a sip of his milkshake and licks the cream off his lips.</p>
<p>‘Sure, it could be argued that men are trash, but consider the positives. Just imagine coming home after a hard day in the office and there’s a big, strong, sexy man already cooking dinner for you. He’ll ask about your day, pour you a drink, maybe massage your shoulders a little – and then you can make passionate love all night long.’</p>
<p>Jeonghan nearly spits out the milkshake. Jun isn’t bothered at all by this reaction; ‘I’m serious, Hannie. You need to get railed. You gotta let out some of that tension.’</p>
<p>‘Well…’ Jeonghan tries to regain his composure. ‘Just because I don’t have a boyfriend doesn’t mean I’m not getting railed. Everything is totally fine in the sex department— so can we please talk about something less embarrassing now?’</p>
<p>Evidently not. Jun is so taken aback by the revelation that he rustles around in his coat pocket for a little black notebook and a matching fountain pen, both probably meant for important gallery business. ‘I’m going to need his name, address and exact birthdate. How tall is he? And do you think you can find out his social security number?’</p>
<p>‘And on that note, it’s time for me to get back to the office,’ Jeonghan says, buttoning up his coat and calling the waitress over to pack up his uneaten pie; it’ll go down a treat later when he watches TV and wallows in the loneliness of an empty apartment. Sure, he feels a little bad about ditching Jun but this is a sensitive topic… </p>
<p>‘I’m sorry. Really.’</p>
<p>Jeonghan looks down. Jun actually seems <em>sad</em>, and it’s such an unfamiliar look on him that Jeonghan sinks back into his seat. </p>
<p>‘I just don’t get to see you much anymore and I wanna be a part of your life— but I guess I took it too far. I understand why you don’t want me to know anything. I’m a shitty best friend that asks far too many questions.’</p>
<p>‘You’re right, you really do ask too many questions. But you’re not a shitty best friend.’ Jeonghan puts his hand on top of Jun’s and gives it a little squeeze. ‘I didn’t tell you because… I’m hooking up with the office intern. It’s a little awkward and extremely confusing to say the least.’ Before his friend can reply, Jeonghan keeps going; it’s difficult to stop letting things out now that he’s opened the emotional flood gates. ‘And when it comes to dating, things are different now that I’m second in command – a lot of men are intimidated by that.’</p>
<p>Now it’s Jun’s turn to squeeze Jeonghan’s hand. He looks a little bit more like his usual self and Jeonghan is glad to see it. Perhaps it’s true that he’s neglected their friendship – he’ll need to do better.</p>
<p>‘I think I might know someone that won’t be intimidated by you,’ Jun says as they gather their things and walk out into the freezing cold afternoon. ‘Let me set you up on a date this weekend – don’t think about it, just say yes.’</p>
<p>Jeonghan decides that it might nice to not think for once.</p>
<p>And it might be even nicer not to think about Choi Seungcheol.</p>
<p>‘Okay then. I’ll give your mystery man a chance – but he better be worth my time.’</p>
<p> </p>
<p>-</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Seungcheol spends far too much time in the storage room for his liking. At the end of the corridor, right next to the men’s bathroom, he couldn’t be further away from the action if he tried. There’s always <em>something</em> that needs replacing in the office and the small army of writers love to boss him around. It’s only 11.15am and Soonyoung has asked for a fresh pack of staples. Seungcheol had to fight back the urge to tell him that he wouldn’t constantly need new packs of staples if he didn’t insist on cluttering the staff message board with pointless notes. </p>
<p>He’d just about managed to keep it together. Now he finds himself standing on a precarious pile of plastic crates just to reach the very top shelf where the elusive staples are kept. He’s pretty sure this breaks several health and safety codes, but the possibility of falling and breaking an arm isn’t entirely unappealing; he could use the compensation money.</p>
<p>How much value does his arm even have, anyway? Every facet of Seungcheol’s mind and body have been assessed by his employers and found to be largely surplus to requirement. It would be no great loss if he couldn’t go back to work – he’d be replaced before he could even collect his things. </p>
<p>Seungcheol has just about found his balance and he reaches a hand to the very back of the shelf, relying on his sense of touch alone to find what he’s looking for. It’s all going rather well until someone bursts into the storage room and slams the door behind them. Seungcheol jumps at the sound, wobbles, grabs onto the edge of the shelf and just about saves himself from a nasty fall. </p>
<p>‘Oh shit— I didn’t realise someone was in here.’</p>
<p>It’s Jeonghan. He doesn’t apologise for nearly killing a hardworking employee, but Seungcheol is more struck by the fact Jeonghan is talking to him at all. He’s broken the first rule.</p>
<p>‘I have that effect on people. Interns don’t get noticed, I guess.’ He’s about to turn away and carry on with his staple mission, but Seungcheol notices the stare Jeonghan is giving him – it’s quite difficult to ignore. </p>
<p>‘Do you… have something you want, Mr Yoon? I can get it for you. Since I’m here.’</p>
<p>It takes Jeonghan a few seconds to reply. ‘Oh! Umm… I just came in here for a… sheet of paper.’</p>
<p>Seungcheol can see through the pathetic excuse but he does his boss the courtesy of pretending to believe the lie; besides, he has a feeling Jeonghan is under a lot of pressure. Maybe the storage room is the only place he can go to escape when everything gets too much.</p>
<p>‘Okay. One sheet of paper, coming right up.’</p>
<p>As he reaches over to the box of paper – still standing on his makeshift ladder – Seungcheol feels Jeonghan’s gaze lower from his face to his ass. It’s such a small, innocent action, but suddenly the atmosphere shifts into something more tense. It’s funny how one little rule broken rule can have such a noticeable impact on their relationship; in the space of a minute, Jeonghan and Seungcheol have gone from distant work colleagues to something more uncertain. </p>
<p>He jumps off the piled boxes and hands Jeonghan the paper. When the other man takes it from him, their hands touch and linger a little longer than necessary. In the confined space of the windowless room, Seungcheol picks up Jeonghan’s scent; expensive floral perfume and a few unmistakable notes of espresso.</p>
<p>Jeonghan always smells like coffee. </p>
<p>‘I better get back to work! Thanks for your help,’ Jeonghan practically jumps to the door, a slight blush on his face. It’s funny how shy he can be outside of the bedroom; Seungcheol decides he quite likes this new, flustered Jeonghan.</p>
<p>‘Hey,’ he calls back. Jeonghan turns around looks back at him. ‘You’ve got this.’</p>
<p>His boss smiles and nods, a look of gratitude in his eyes that Seungcheol suspects is for more than just the sheet of paper.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>-</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The snow is building up. At his desk, Jeonghan watches it fall silently through the window. He has a million things to do and not a single one of them seems important right now in this moment.</p>
<p>It’s late. He should go home soon.</p>
<p>He has a date tomorrow night.</p>
<p>But instead of finishing up his report or reading through Seungkwan’s second draft or responding to the innumerable calls he missed during lunch, Jeonghan takes a piece of white paper in his hands and folds it. He doesn’t need to think about where the creases go; this is muscle memory. </p>
<p>Something he used to do as a child.</p>
<p>He smooths the soft, pristine surface until it becomes something else entirely – a swan. </p>
<p>Jeonghan puts it in the pocket of his coat as he turns off the light.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>-</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He sees Choi Seungcheol the very next day, and Jeonghan is not at all prepared for it. It’s Saturday and very nearly Christmas and Manhattan is busy enough to make Jeonghan even more anxious than he was before. He should’ve stayed in his apartment, had a bath, maybe even shave his legs again (just to make sure he got a spot).</p>
<p>But no; Jeonghan thought it would be a good idea to keep himself busy and distracted. </p>
<p>Now he’s stuck in a department store on fifth avenue at 7pm, trying to find a gift for his little sister. Jeonghan knows he doesn’t have long to get back home and change, but perhaps he’s a little nervous.</p>
<p>Okay, maybe he’s <em>very</em> nervous. A last-minute task in a hectic department store seems like a good enough excuse for putting off the date he’ll no doubt screw up.</p>
<p>Amidst the general chaos of holiday shopping, the last person Jeonghan expects to see in the women’s section is Seungcheol. He looks weirdly shifty and suspicious standing against the wall a little too close to the lingerie section – Jeonghan feels compelled to approach him, if only to prevent the condemning stares of strangers.</p>
<p>Besides, it won’t count as another broken rule – this time they’re out of the office. It’s totally different.</p>
<p>‘Looking for something in particular?’</p>
<p>Seungcheol gasps and practically jumps out of his skin. Jeonghan is close enough now to notice how good the other man looks when he’s not wearing a shirt and tie. On his day off, Seungcheol is wearing a crewneck sweatshirt beneath his signature slightly oversized leather jacket. The jeans fit him in all the right place and Jeonghan uses every ounce of his willpower not to stare at the thickness of his thighs.</p>
<p>‘Jeonghan,’ he says, fluttering his eyes in disbelief. ‘I’m just waiting for someone…’</p>
<p>Oh. </p>
<p>So he has a <em>someone</em> now? Not that it matters. Not that it makes the tiniest difference to Jeonghan – he only ever cared about Seungcheol’s body anyway. He doesn’t really know the first thing about him.</p>
<p>‘Right, of course. She must be in the changing room. There’s lots of pretty underwear here, I’m sure she looks great – she’s probably got an amazing body. Good for you, dude. Uhh… put it here?’ Jeonghan’s mouth is spewing absolute nonsense and just to make things worse, he holds out a fist to bump against Seungcheol’s in congratulations. </p>
<p>Acting like a straight man is Jeonghan’s go-to defence mechanism, apparently.</p>
<p>Seungcheol reluctantly reciprocates the fist bump before adding: ‘I’m not waiting for a woman, if that’s what you mean. I’m here to pick someone up— speak of the devil.’</p>
<p>From behind a counter nearby, a man rushes over to where the two of them are standing. He looks a few years younger than Seungcheol and a little on the short side, but he smiles so warmly that Jeonghan feels instantly comfortable in his presence. Judging by his uniform and nametag he must be an employee – perhaps a friend of Seungcheol’s?’</p>
<p>‘Jeonghan, I’d like you to meet my brother, Chan. Chan, this is Yoon Jeonghan. He’s a senior editor at the paper.’</p>
<p>‘Ohhh, so <em>this</em> is your boss,’ Chan takes Jeonghan’s hand and shakes it with such power and enthusiasm that it almost hurts. ‘I’ve heard so much about you.’</p>
<p>He has? Jeonghan can’t help but imagine what kind of things the intern must say about him behind his back – although judging by Chan’s overwhelmingly positive reaction, it can’t all have been bad. </p>
<p>‘I’m technically off duty now, but since you’re a friend of my brothers can I help you find anything?’</p>
<p>‘I couldn’t possibly hold you up – you guys were just leaving!’</p>
<p>‘It’s really no trouble,’ Seungcheol smiles at him. ‘Besides, it’s almost Christmas. It’s the season for doing good deeds.’</p>
<p>Jeonghan feels more guilty than ever. What has he ever done to earn Seungcheol’s respect and kindness? What good has he ever done him? It’s surprisingly easy to use someone when you only ever meet after dark and conversation is strictly forbidden; it’s a lot harder to treat Seungcheol as an uncomplicated hook-up when he’s offering to find your sister the perfect Christmas present.</p>
<p>‘Well, I was thinking about getting my sister some new pyjamas. Something cosy and cute…’</p>
<p>‘What colours does she like?’ Chan has burst into action and is already leading them back over to the pyjama section. ‘Any preference for style? Material?’</p>
<p>‘Pink would be nice. And as long as they’ll keep her warm, I don’t care much about the fabric – it’s cold back home.’</p>
<p>Whilst Chan works his magic and whisks between aisles of PJs, Jeonghan sighs and readjusts the multitude of heavy shopping bags adorning his arms. He might’ve gone a little crazy with the reality therapy, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Deciding to momentarily put them down – his poor back needs at least a short break – Seungcheol swoops in and takes them like a gentleman. </p>
<p>Jeonghan can hardly find the words to protest.</p>
<p>‘Hey! Put them down!’</p>
<p>‘Nah, I’m good. I think I’ll keep carrying them,’ he retorts. </p>
<p>‘Listen here, I’m your boss and I order you to drop the shopping bags this instant. Or else there’ll be consequences.’</p>
<p>Seungcheol laughs, apparently unphased by Jeonghan’s very menacing threats. ‘Oh yeah? Consequences like what?’</p>
<p>Jeonghan considers this for a moment, frustration clouding his judgement and making it near impossible to win their little argument. ‘I’ll… be very angry with you…’</p>
<p>‘Oh no, however will I cope?’ Seungcheol rolls his eyes. This is a side of him Jeonghan has never seen a single glimpse of until now; he’d always thought of him as a serious sort of person that always frowned at work and never spoke to anyone unless he was asked to. Now Jeonghan is starting to realise that perhaps Seungcheol isn’t stoic and stuck up, after all. </p>
<p>Maybe he’s just a little sad.</p>
<p>But now that he’s out of the office and in a bustling department store adorned with baubles and tinsel and softly flashing lights, Seungcheol has come alive. It feels like Jeonghan is seeing the real him. This is how Seungcheol is meant to be seen; under a warm and gentle light, with a genuine smile on his face, a few flakes of snow still clinging to his black hair.</p>
<p>And if that wasn’t disorientating enough, Seungcheol is teasing him too. Jeonghan’s cheeks are red by the time Chan returns with a pair of pastel pink PJs in several sizes.</p>
<p>‘What do you think?’ He asks, holding them up.</p>
<p>‘These are perfect,’ Jeonghan takes the pair closest to his sister’s size and feels one of the many knots in his stomach untangle. </p>
<p>‘Sweet! Let’s get you to the checkout.’</p>
<p>After paying, the three of them make their way out of the massive store and back onto the obscenely busy streets. When he checks his watch, Jeonghan nearly jumps out of his skin – he needs to get home <em>right now</em>.</p>
<p>‘Thank you so much for helping me out, I’ll find a way to repay you— I’ll take those bags back now and be on my way.’</p>
<p>Seungcheol seems reluctant. ‘You won’t be able to get a cab here. You’ll have to walk part of the way and these things are stupidly heavy.’</p>
<p>‘I see where this is going,’ Chan grins. ‘Let me save you a bit of a time and settle it; I’ll go ahead and get started on dinner. You can make sure Jeonghan gets home safe and sound. Okay, have fun byeee!’</p>
<p>And with that, Chan hurries away into the night. He looks a little too smug for Jeonghan’s liking but when he turns back around and sees Seungcheol loaded up with half a dozen bags of shoes and clothing – looking unfairly handsome too, he might add – the whole situation doesn’t seem too terrible. </p>
<p>There’s no reason why they can’t hang out.</p>
<p>There’s no reason why they can’t be friends.</p>
<p>‘Are you gonna start walking or are you trying to freeze to death?’ Seungcheol makes the first move and Jeonghan hurries to catch up – not because he wants to be near Seungcheol, of course. He just needs to keep an eye on all his expensive designer goods.</p>
<p>‘I thought you were in a hurry to get home anyway,’ he adds.</p>
<p>‘Right. I have a date and I don’t even know what to wear yet.’</p>
<p>If Seungcheol is bothered by the thought of Jeonghan seeing someone else, he doesn’t show it at all. But then again, why would he care in the first place?</p>
<p>‘Is that a particularly long process?’ Seungcheol seems genuinely interested, if not a little condescending. </p>
<p>‘Incredibly long. I have to be thorough and look through my entire wardrobe.’</p>
<p>‘I can see why that would take so long – your “wardrobe” is a whole walk-in closet,’ Seungcheol replies. ‘Careful!’ He adds, and Jeonghan is confused at the sudden exclamation before he feels Seungcheol’s hand on his waist. He pulls Jeonghan towards him, just in time to avoid an oncoming jogger with no regard for personal space. For a moment they remain like that, Seungcheol’s arm (laden with bags) wrapped around his body in a way that almost makes them seem like a couple.</p>
<p>Seungcheol has touched much more of Jeonghan’s body than just his waist. He’s caressed bare skin and gripped him in intimate places that can’t be mentioned in polite society – so why does Jeonghan push him away so vehemently? </p>
<p>Everything feels like a bit too much. The sound of traffic, the constant chatter of pedestrians, Christmas music blasting from stores on an endless repeat; Jeonghan feels overwhelmed. He decides that the last thing he wants is to be stuck walking home with a work colleague he hardly knows.</p>
<p>Taking advantage of Seungcheol’s confusion, he swipes back the bags. ‘I think I can take it from here, but thanks for the help.’</p>
<p>‘Hold on!’ Seungcheol grabs his wrist as he attempts to walk away and once again, Jeonghan feels that familiar rush of endorphins. ‘I can still carry—’</p>
<p>‘Look, this whole evening has been a mistake. We shouldn’t be mixing our personal lives like this.’</p>
<p>Seungcheol seems angry. He looks like he’s desperately wishing he were anywhere else in the world but standing on that particular sidewalk with Jeonghan; but still he doesn’t walk away. ‘I’m sorry but I don’t see the problem. There’s no rule that we can’t be friends— that I can’t be kind to you.’</p>
<p>So that’s what he sees this as: a kindness. Not an imposition on Jeonghan’s peaceful little life. He can’t see the way he’s ruptured the carefully balanced status quo, utterly destroying everything Jeonghan has spent so long putting in order.</p>
<p>‘We can’t go walking around Manhattan playing at being a couple like this!’ Jeonghan is exasperated. He knows he’s making a scene but he’s too annoyed to be embarrassed by the stares of strangers. ‘Sure, sex is one thing but I’m your boss and you’re an <em>intern</em>.’</p>
<p>‘So you don’t want to be seen with a pathetic little intern like me, that’s what this is?’ A shadow of hurt passes across Seungcheol’s face and Jeonghan can see that’s he’s already lost him. He’s taken it too far.</p>
<p>‘You <em>know</em> that’s not what I’m saying! I just don’t want you to get attached…’</p>
<p>Jeonghan softens. He reaches out a hand in an instinctual gesture of reconciliation but flinches away when Seungcheol retorts.</p>
<p>‘Don’t worry. There’s no chance of that happening.’</p>
<p>When he walks away, Jeonghan stays motionless and watches as he disappears into the crowd – just another stranger.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>-</p>
<p> </p>
<p>By the time he arrives at the restaurant, Jeonghan has just about managed to clear his head. Sure, he feels bad about how he left things with Seungcheol but their fight was a very necessary one. Both of them needed a wakeup call and Jeonghan knows he was right to draw the line where he did. It hurts – even now as he steps out of the cab, he feels a pain in his chest – but Jeonghan is used to denying himself guilty pleasures. He’s always playing a version of himself, never letting the perfectly sculpted mask slip an inch.</p>
<p>He steps onto the sidewalk and knows that tonight the mask is in place.</p>
<p>This Jeonghan is charming, beautiful, slim in a deceptively effortless way. He laughs at bad jokes, gives in when a man refuses to split the bill, doesn’t put out on the first date. Wine is never spilt; dessert is never ordered, and the night will end with a chaste kiss on the cheek.</p>
<p>Jeonghan knows most men like their partners sweet-tempered, hot, sexually inexperienced and yet somehow a natural when it comes to the bedroom. Dating guys is not so different whether you’re a gay man or a heterosexual woman – it’s almost always disappointing. </p>
<p>The waiter leads him to a table and Jeonghan wonders if his date will be worth the effort. To match his new bag, he decided to go for a pink Chanel blouse and black miniskirt. He’s androgynous enough to get away with shopping in the women’s section; most strangers are too busy guessing his gender to make any offensive remarks. </p>
<p>The table is right up ahead. Just a few more steps and Jeonghan will know if Jun has succeeded in his mission of finding the perfect man for his best friend. Beauty is only skin deep – Jeonghan knows this – but a nice face certainly helps.</p>
<p>The face is most definitely nice. </p>
<p>‘You must be Jeonghan.’ Like a true gentleman, the man gets up from his seat and pulls out the chair for Jeonghan – who can’t help but marvel at just how handsome his date is. He makes a mental note to thank Jun later. </p>
<p>When the man sits back down, he undoes the button of his suit jacket and Jeonghan catches a glimpse of an expensive looking watch. Jun really <em>has</em> come through.</p>
<p>‘I’m Joshua. Jun’s told me so much about you, but he neglected to mention that you were this pretty.’</p>
<p>Joshua talks with a smooth and confident voice; either he’s a serial dater or he’s some kind of playboy. Neither of these options seem entirely unappealing. </p>
<p>‘Well he didn’t tell me <em>anything</em> about you. It made it difficult to prepare – I don’t know what you like.’ Jeonghan hadn’t intended on flirting and being so obvious about it, but there’s something about Joshua that makes his heart race. He’s always been a sucker for powerful men.</p>
<p>‘I like this,’ he offers, gesturing to Jeonghan’s outfit. ‘Pink is your colour – I can tell that much just from looking at you. But why don’t you fill in the gaps?’</p>
<p>Jeonghan leans in towards the flickering glow of the candles. Joshua’s eyes are so dark they’re almost black. ‘What would you like to know?’</p>
<p>‘Why don’t we start with food. I’m starving – aren’t you?’</p>
<p>Things only go well from there. Jeonghan is absolutely delighted with his date; Joshua is so scarily perfect and charming that Jeonghan starts to suspect there must be some kind of catch. Or maybe there’s a camera crew hiding out in the kitchen, waiting to jump out reveal the whole night has been some kind of prank.</p>
<p>At first Jeonghan wonders if Joshua’s bank account is quite as full as it seems, but when he calls for the bill, he pulls out a black card and swipes it likes its nothing. He really is as rich as he looks, and Jeonghan supposes it makes sense; anyone who shops around for rare art at Jun’s gallery must have a disgusting amount of disposable income. </p>
<p>So if the money is real then the politeness surely can’t be. Jeonghan waits and waits for the inevitable tirade against the waiters – it never comes. He expects to be insulted, objectified, spoken down to – Joshua is nothing but sweet and suave. </p>
<p>Jeonghan finds himself, again, wanting to break the rules. </p>
<p>He doesn’t want to be perfect and demure when the ideal man is sitting opposite him, giving the wait staff a tip so generous it probably exceeds their monthly wages by a lot. Far from being bored and disappointed, Jeonghan finds himself in an unexpected position: he wants to do the unthinkable.</p>
<p>But if he calls Jun tonight and confesses that he slept with Joshua on the first date he knows he’ll never hear the end of it. Jun treats dating like it’s some kind of alchemy; there are so many impossible rules, so many unspoken caveats that must be respected or else a prospective lover will be lost forever. The perfect man – no more substantial and real than a mist of smoke – will disappear into nothing. </p>
<p>‘Can I take you home? I have a car waiting outside.’</p>
<p>Jeonghan finds the choice has been taken out of his hands after all; the usual suggestion of coffee or something stronger is abandoned in favour of an early end to the night. Either Joshua is a virtuous man or somewhere between the starter and the main course, Jeonghan must have blown his chances – he wouldn’t be surprised if he’s messed it up.</p>
<p>‘That would be great, thanks. Lead the way.’</p>
<p>The short walk to the car feels even briefer with Joshua’s hand on the small of his back. The touch is electric – gentle but confident – and Jeonghan mourns the loss of contact as the door of a sleek black car is opened for him. He doesn’t catch the face of the driver. The man seems very preoccupied with keeping his eyes away from the two of them, as though he’s been taught to look but not see. A lot can happen in the backseat of a luxury car in a city that never sleeps.</p>
<p>Perhaps Joshua is a player after all. </p>
<p>Jeonghan decides to test that theory. Too much wine has emboldened him, and when the car starts moving – traversing the shadowy night with its tinted windows – he makes his play. </p>
<p>‘Tonight was—’</p>
<p>Jeonghan never does get to find out what Joshua thought of the evening. He leans over and kisses him before the words can escape his lips; he can feel their meaning on his tongue, in the way Joshua bites his lip with a sudden hunger. Jeonghan knows he’s been holding himself back – that this is what he’s been waiting for, what he really wanted all along. Absentmindedly, he thinks that he might have been right about Joshua after all, but he’s too busy violating several codes of traffic safety by moving onto the other man’s lap. </p>
<p>He feels a hand grab his ass and another reach under his blouse. Jeonghan knows his outfit is far too expensive to be handled like this but he doesn’t care. He wants to go all the way, to take things as far as he can with no regrets. No second thoughts.</p>
<p>It’s in that moment of desperation – with Joshua’s mouth on his neck – that Jeonghan comes to his senses. </p>
<p>For some reason he can’t explain, he thinks about <em>Seungcheol</em>. Jeonghan thinks about the firmness of his body, the nakedness of his exposed flesh and the way his palms ran over every inch of Jeonghan’s own flesh. What he’s doing now seems cheap and vacuous in comparison. </p>
<p>He’s not the type of guy to sleep around like this. He never should’ve let things get this far.</p>
<p>‘I’m sorry,’ Jeonghan says, breathless. He disentangles himself from Joshua’s hold and returns to his seat, curling in on himself in a mix of shame and self-loathing. ‘Can I— can I just go home now?’</p>
<p>Joshua stares at him and Jeonghan looks back. His dark hair is a mess, and his lower lip is swollen – but rather than anger, Joshua’s face is the perfect picture of confusion. </p>
<p>‘Sure, of course,’ he finally manages, clearing his throat.</p>
<p>They don’t talk for the rest of the journey, and Jeonghan wishes he could find the words to make everything okay. But it would serve no purpose. The date has gone even worse than he could’ve imagined, and all because of a single <em>intern</em> that Jeonghan just had to go and fuck. He thought it would be okay. It didn’t have to be complicated.</p>
<p>Jeonghan closes the car door with a small, insincere smile and as the December wind cuts right through him, he realises just how wrong he was.</p>
<p>It’s <em>always</em> complicated.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Snow starts to settle; the days pass quickly, and our two heroes can’t seem to escape the obnoxious joy of the festive season. I told you this was a love story, didn’t I? That wasn’t a joke. Sure, these love birds don’t seem equal to the task – they’re no Romeo and Juliet – but let’s give them a chance, shall we?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Maybe the commitment-phobic workaholic and the penniless dreamer might be a good match after all.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Or maybe the promise of a Perfect Man will steal one away from the other.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>If you’re curious, dear reader, I suggest you stick around…</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>-</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Seungcheol isn’t sure if he should be relieved or disappointed. On one hand, things aren’t as awkward in the office as he thought they would; on the other, it’s probably because Jeonghan is avoiding him like the plague. </p>
<p>All Seungcheol’s pent up anger had been for nothing. He’d spent all morning thinking about Jeonghan’s stupid, pretty face and his stuck-up attitude. Whilst shaving, he looked in the mirror and practiced staring his boss down, making sure he looked scathing and intimidating with a hint of righteousness thrown in for good measure. </p>
<p>The reality has been anticlimactic to say the least.</p>
<p>Jeonghan has done his best to pretend that Seungcheol doesn’t exist, and he’s so good at it that Seungcheol is starting to suspect he might be invisible. If it weren’t for the steady stream of paperwork dumped on his desk, he’d be certain he was a ghost.</p>
<p>The others haven’t gotten off so easily. Jeonghan is more intense than ever, and Seungcheol can’t help but notice the constant rejected drafts and the snide remarks about repeated typos. The shopping fiasco hadn’t gone <em>that</em> badly, had it?</p>
<p>Seungcheol can’t help feeling like this is all his fault. Jeonghan was right all along; it really was a bad idea to mix business and pleasure. And now he’s broken him. Before Seungcheol came along and forced his way into the other man’s private life, Jeonghan was a force to be reckoned with. His endless patience, his easy authority and the way he walked so gracefully across the office floor had Seungcheol openly gawping at him. </p>
<p>He thinks about it now and pictures the scene; Jeonghan tucking his blonde hair behind an ear, rolling up the sleeves of his shirt, reading through a report with that look of concentration…</p>
<p>‘You busy, intern?’</p>
<p>Seungcheol jumps and gathers together the loose sheets of paper on his desk. He shuffles them into order, just to seem professional. Kim Mingyu is standing in front of him in a classy blazer; he always looks put-together and suave at the beginning of the week. As the days go by and the paper creeps closer and closer to publication day, Mingyu’s appearance gets increasingly shabbier. He goes from business tycoon to washed-up salaryman in the space of five days. </p>
<p>‘Yeah, I am actually—’</p>
<p>‘Cool. Let’s get some air together, alright?’</p>
<p>It’s not easy to say no to a senior investigative reporter. Even though Seungcheol hates the idea of obeying Mingyu’s commands like a trained show dog, he gets up and grabs his jacket. He knows better than to ask where they’re headed, but he doesn’t expect Mingyu to lead him up a sketchy iron staircase that’s marked with a “Maintenance Personnel Only” sign. </p>
<p>They emerge a few minutes later and the sudden burst of daylight hurts Seungcheol’s eyes. They’re on the roof.</p>
<p>The view is so beautiful; he can see small cars and even tinier people making their way through the snow. It looks like a model of a city, picture perfect and decked out with Christmas lights. Naturally, Mingyu ruins the ambience immediately.</p>
<p>‘I know you’re fucking Jeonghan.’</p>
<p>Seungcheol chokes on air and starts coughing uncontrollably. ‘What? No! No. Fucking Jeonghan? Me? No. No. That’s not true at all…’</p>
<p>‘I went to Jeonghan’s apartment after work to talk about a story and I heard him having sex.’</p>
<p>‘Okay, but you can’t prove it was with me,’ Seungcheol retorts. </p>
<p>Mingyu gives him a condescending stare. ‘He was shouting “Seungcheol” over and over.’</p>
<p>‘Touché.’ Seungcheol gives in, considering what Mingyu has said for a few seconds. ‘How long were you listening at the door?’</p>
<p>‘Doesn’t matter. What <em>does</em> matter is that your inability to keep it in your pants has made my editor a nightmare to work with. What did you do to piss him off this much? It must have been the worst sex ever. Were you a virgin before this? Do you have problems keeping it up? No, don’t tell me: you finish too early.’</p>
<p>Despite the ceaseless sound of New York traffic and the fact that they’re standing alone on a rooftop, Seungcheol can’t help feeling terrified their conversation is being overheard.</p>
<p>‘Can we please not talk about my sex life?’</p>
<p>Mingyu reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a pack of Lucky Strikes. ‘Oh, but we have to talk about your sex life, Seungcheol. Because if we don’t figure out how you fucked up, Jeonghan is gonna get distracted. And if he gets distracted, he gets sloppy – he sends a story to print with the wrong data, or maybe he forgets to use a pseudonym for an at-risk informant. Do you see what I’m saying?’</p>
<p>Mingyu offers Seungcheol a cigarette. Politely shaking his head in refusal, Seungcheol watches as the reporter lights up and takes a drag. Everything is so much worse than he thought it was.</p>
<p>‘We fought. Some things were said on both sides…’ He trails off. It’s difficult to talk about a relationship that’s been a huge, unspeakable secret for almost a month. ‘I have to make it right, don’t I.’</p>
<p>‘Now you’re getting it,’ he flicks the ash off his cigarette and gives Seungcheol a hard pat on the back. ‘Keep him happy – we’ll all thank you for it.’</p>
<p>So this is Seungcheol’s purpose. Not even worth his keep as an intern, his value lies in keeping a senior editor happy and making sure the paper doesn’t go up in smoke. But maybe something good can come out of this huge mess… </p>
<p>Maybe Seungcheol has been given a golden opportunity to climb up the ranks…</p>
<p>‘You could thank me by getting my stories in the paper.’ He winces as he says it; the thought of extorting a favour from Kim Mingyu is absolutely terrifying, but this might just be Seungcheol’s only chance to get noticed.</p>
<p>Mingyu looks baffled for a few seconds, but his disbelief turns to something more akin to admiration. ‘You’ve got a pair of balls on you, after all! I like you, intern.’ Once again, he slaps Seungcheol hard on the back – Mingyu is a man that doesn’t know his own strength. ‘I can’t make any promises about a glittering career in journalism, but I can read your stories. If they’re decent I’ll vouch for you at the next editorial meeting.’</p>
<p>Seungcheol tries to keep his cool. He resists the urge to jump up and down in elation. </p>
<p>Mingyu flicks his cigarette onto the floor and stamps it out; there’s still a lingering smell of tobacco in the cold morning air. ‘Just remember: no published stories until Jeonghan is happy. I wanna see him grinning ear to ear.’</p>
<p> </p>
<p>-</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jeonghan isn’t normally fond of after work activities. Being a managing editor involves a lot of social interaction, and the by the end of a hard day in the office, he has no energy left to spare – not even for a fun night with friends. But the note on his desk inviting him out for drinks at a local bar is too tantalising to ignore. He could tell it was from Seungcheol before he even noticed the name at the bottom of the page; the intern has a way of smudging the ink before it dries.</p>
<p>A sign of impatience.</p>
<p>When Jeonghan walks into the bar, his mind is completely made up: he’s going to apologise for speaking so harshly and put an end to their night-time escapades once and for all. Seungcheol has the strange ability to unravel Jeonghan’s carefully constructed life with a single smile. Just a little kindness and a dash of charm is enough to make Jeonghan forget himself.</p>
<p>He tries to remember exactly who he is as he navigates the sea of tables. He makes sure his mask is in place. He’s Yoon Jeonghan; editor and writer; unattached; ready to cut off those that hold him back.</p>
<p>Those that don’t fit in his perfect little life.</p>
<p>When he catches sight of Seungcheol, he feels that he was right in his estimation. Sat at a small round table – already laden with a plate of nachos and two bottles of beer – he doesn’t look sophisticated and suave at all. He’s rolled up the sleeves of his white shirt and loosened his tie. There’s a rugged handsomeness about him, but Jeonghan tries to fight back the urge to do bad things. He’s here to put a stop to their hook-ups, not to take Seungcheol back to his place.</p>
<p>‘Hey,’ he says, raising a hand to awkwardly greet him.</p>
<p>‘I was starting to think you were gonna stand me up. I thought maybe a place like this would put you off,’ Seungcheol tries a cautious smile. The atmosphere eases a little. Jeonghan sits down.</p>
<p>‘I wanted to apologise—’</p>
<p>‘I’m sorry.’ Seungcheol interrupts Jeonghan’s carefully prepared apology, and all he can do is stare as the other man says his piece. ‘I overstepped. I forced my way into your life when I should’ve respected your boundaries – you were right. The rules are there for a reason and now that we’ve broken them, you’re miserable. We should stop this if it’s what you want.’</p>
<p>Jeonghan feels like he’s been dumped. He didn’t want this; he wanted to be the one to end things, not the one being politely let down. It’s a whole lot worse being on the receiving end, and Jeonghan finds himself incredibly unsatisfied with ending things just like that. It might be okay to let the mask slip just a little; he needs to be honest for once.</p>
<p>‘Actually, you’re wrong,’ Jeonghan says, snatching up his beer and taking a hearty sip. ‘It wasn’t you that made me miserable. And I <em>suppose</em> getting to know you hasn’t been such a bad thing. So I’m sorry for being a bitch about it.’ He grabs a helping of nachos and shoves them into his mouth – Jeonghan figures if he’s going to be friends with his intern-turned-lover he might as well go all the way and drop all the pretences. </p>
<p>Oddly enough, he doesn’t mind the thought of Seungcheol seeing him for what he is. It’s almost like he doesn’t count; the rest of the world requires the intrigue of smoke and mirrors. Choi Seungcheol, with his crooked tie and ink-stained hands, does not.</p>
<p>Jeonghan isn’t surprised to see that his little outburst has been received with complete and utter bemusement. </p>
<p>‘I ordered those nachos for me…’ </p>
<p>It’s all he can manage, and Jeonghan can’t help but laugh at the disappointment in his voice. ‘Just because I’m hot and stylish doesn’t mean I don’t like nachos. Or beer for that matter.’ Jeonghan feels the tension in his shoulders ease off; a small weight has been removed and he leans back in his chair, undoing the top button of his pink blouse with a sigh.</p>
<p>‘I don’t get it. You’ve been mad at me all day.’ Seungcheol still can’t understand the sudden change in mood.</p>
<p>‘I wasn’t mad at you – as much as I convinced myself I was. I’m angry with myself. The date went… badly.’</p>
<p>Finally getting used to the new, relaxed Jeonghan, Seungcheol picks up his own beer. ‘So you want to talk about your date with your fuck buddy? You really have thrown the rulebook out of the window.’</p>
<p>Jeonghan supposes he really has done away with all the rules – but being friends with Seungcheol doesn’t seem like such a bad idea. Especially when this is the most relaxed he’s felt in months. ‘I’m being honest here! For a while it was great – he was perfect – and then… I freaked out. I’m not good with intimacy, I’ve gotten so used to no-strings-attached sex. And I fucking suck at letting loose and being myself. It’s been a long time since I went on a date… a really long time…’ Jeonghan thinks back to those few nights of romance (almost a year ago) and feels a little sad about the way things have turned out. Now he’s a different person entirely. </p>
<p>‘You want to date this dude? It would make you happy?’ Seungcheol asks, brows furrowed in a surprisingly serious way.</p>
<p>Through a mouthful of nachos, Jeonghan replies; ‘I don’t know. Maybe. But I’m bound to screw it up again. I wish I could somehow practice before I try again – if Joshua even still wants to see me. It’s not like he’s called…’</p>
<p>‘What if you <em>can</em> practice?’ Seungcheol’s eyes have widened. ‘We can go on a date! Me and you! It’s Christmas in New York City – we can do all the cheesy romantic stuff and I’ll give you pointers. Trust me, this is my area. I might not look it, but I’m a sensitive guy deep down.’</p>
<p>That’s exactly what Seungcheol is and Jeonghan has known it since that evening at the department store. When he stood under the Christmas lights with his warm eyes and even warmer smile, Jeonghan had realised just how mismatched they really were. Seungcheol isn’t the kind of guy you sleep with and ignore; he’s the guy you bring home to your parents’ house for dinner. </p>
<p>Just the thought of going on a date with a man like that – kind, honest, earnest – makes Jeonghan feel unworthy. Even if they are just friends.</p>
<p>Even if the date isn’t <em>really</em> a date at all.</p>
<p>‘I can’t let you do that for me…’</p>
<p>‘It’s okay, I want to. Best case scenario, you realise you don’t completely suck and end the night with a newfound sense of confidence. Worst case scenario, we have fun hanging out.’</p>
<p>He can’t imagine what Jun would think of this; his best friend had gone out of his way to manifest Jeonghan’s ideal man, and all he can do in thanks is to go off gallivanting with the office intern. He makes a mental note to call Jun and keep him in the loop – Jeonghan’s in desperate need of some perspective if he’s really about to agree to this.</p>
<p>‘Okay, fine. I’ll go on a fake date with you. But you have to promise to go easy on me.’</p>
<p>Seungcheol smiles – a real, genuine smile – and knocks his beer bottle against Jeonghan’s in a toast to their little arrangement. ‘I’ll pick you up on Saturday night.’</p>
<p> </p>
<p>-</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It’s 11pm when Jeonghan’s cell phone rings. He’s in the process of painting his toenails and with one hand, he flips it open and balances it between his shoulder and ear. Jun has finally listened to his voice message and as expected, has a thing or two to say.</p>
<p>‘You have some explaining to do,’ he says. Jeonghan can hear distant traffic on the other end of the line. His friend is no doubt coming home from an evening event at the gallery.</p>
<p>‘What is there to explain?’ He retorts, carefully applying another coat of nail polish to his little toe; it’s a neutral, pale pink. Subtle but pretty. He wonders if Seungcheol would like this kind of colour. ‘It’s just <em>one</em> night. It’ll help with my confidence.’</p>
<p>‘Usually when someone likes a guy, they arrange a second date. They don’t make plans to “hang out” with their side piece.’ Jun’s voice is dripping with sarcasm. ‘You don’t wanna let this opportunity slip away from you, Jeonghan. Joshua Hong is a big deal.’</p>
<p><em>Hong…</em> where has Jeonghan heard that name before? It’s so familiar but it takes him a few seconds to place it. When the realisation hits, he gasps and nearly drops the phone. His hand slips and the polish goes on his skin instead of his nail.</p>
<p>‘Oh my god, Jun. He owns the paper. <em>My</em> paper. Jihoon always has to defer to him on big issues— wait, he must be <em>rich</em> rich!’</p>
<p>‘Now you’re getting it,’ Jun sounds relieved. ‘I knew he was loaded from the first moment I saw him. He has excellent taste and a lot of cash to burn. Last week I sold him a Rembrandt drawing and the first day he came to the gallery he told me he has a Gauguin collection.’</p>
<p>Jeonghan isn’t one for fine art, but even he understands the weight of Jun’s words.</p>
<p>‘I should call him, shouldn’t I?’ Jeonghan sounds excited enough but deep down inside, a familiar feeling of apprehension makes his stomach twist. He isn’t quite sure why it feels so wrong, but he wouldn’t be surprised if is his nerves were kicking in again. </p>
<p>That’s all it is.</p>
<p>‘No shit! With a man that fine, you can’t sit around and wait.’</p>
<p>Jeonghan considers this for a moment. He knows he still needs to practice – now more than ever – and he can’t afford to cancel his plans with Seungcheol. ‘Jihoon asked me to come to the Christmas Eve party the shareholders throw. It’s pretty classy, I’m sure Joshua has been invited too. Maybe we could go together…’</p>
<p>‘I love this idea. What could be more romantic than an elegant soiree on Christmas Eve? I guarantee you Choi Seungcheol can’t beat that – not with <em>his</em> budget.’</p>
<p>‘He’s a good friend, Jun. Don’t be mean.’ Jeonghan looks down at his handiwork; now that he’s cleaned up the spilt polish, his nails look uniform and pretty. It feels good to have control over something in his life.</p>
<p>‘I can’t make any promises,’ Jun says. Jeonghan can practically hear the smile on his face. ‘Anyway I just got back to my apartment – I need to get some beauty sleep and so do you. Just make sure you <em>call Joshua</em>’.</p>
<p>When Jeonghan hangs up and snaps his cell phone shut he doesn’t feel like sleeping; not when he has so much to think about.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>-</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Seungcheol has always been a romantic at heart. In kindergarten he planned an elaborate proposal of marriage to a boy in his class; it involved a finger painting in the shape of a heart, a few of his favourite lego pieces and his mother’s treasured engagement ring. Aside from the inevitable chastisement for stealing one of the very few valuable items in the house, Seungcheol was perturbed by the lack of recognition for his feelings. In fact, his teacher had gone so far as to twist the facts and convince himself that Seungcheol had really intended to propose to the girl that sat next to his crush. His mother, for her part, gave him a look of concern and a piece of sage advice; <em>‘A boy asks a girl to marry him. You got it all wrong, sweetie’.</em></p>
<p>Fast forward twenty-something years and Seungcheol’s mom no longer clings onto any well-meaning delusions about her son’s romantic preferences. She’s done her best by him, and Seungcheol knows it; without a dad around it was hard to keep her two boys on the straight and narrow. Both Chan and his mom have completely accepted that Seungcheol is gay.</p>
<p>They’re a little <em>less</em> enthusiastic about his aptitude for sappiness and big romantic gestures. </p>
<p>But tonight, Seungcheol has finally found a good use for all those romcoms and chick flicks; the countless hours spent planning a (theoretically) perfect date. Sure, it’s a little sad that his efforts will be wasted on a guy that doesn’t even like him in a romantic way – and for the sake of another man, no less – but Seungcheol still has butterflies in his stomach. Lately when he’s allowed himself to fantasise about dinner dates and morning kisses, it’s always Jeonghan by his side. But Seungcheol shrugs it off; he probably wants Mingyu’s mentorship so badly that he’s a bit too focused on the prospect of making Jeonghan happy. So much so that he’s written him into his usual stupid daydreams.</p>
<p>That’s all it is. </p>
<p>When Jeonghan finally shows up at the door of his apartment building, Seungcheol finds it harder than ever to rationalise the increase in his heart rate. All wrapped up in a big coat plus mittens, scarf and ear warmers, Jeonghan looks <em>adorable</em>. It’s a side of the editor he’s never seen before. Seungcheol normally experiences Work Jeonghan with his pretty but sophisticated collection of blouses; or Hot Jeonghan, who waits for him after dark with exposed skin and bedroom eyes. </p>
<p>Absolutely-Freezing-Cold Jeonghan is a totally new experience and Seungcheol decides that this soft look is his favourite. </p>
<p>‘What?’ Jeonghan says, suspicious of Seungcheol’s wide-eyed stare. ‘You were the one that said to dress warm. If it was up to me, I would’ve made more of an effort.’</p>
<p>‘Dressing comfortably is an important part of the process. You need to learn how to be relaxed around your significant other. If he really likes you, he’ll think you look beautiful no matter what.’ Seungcheol is certain of this.</p>
<p>‘And what’s your opinion? Do I look ravishing in this huge scarf?’ Jeonghan gives him a twirl and wobbles a little before finding his balance. His earmuffs are crooked and Seungcheol sees no harm in reaching over and setting them straight. </p>
<p>‘You do.’ He’s so unexpectedly earnest that Jeonghan is momentarily lost for words. Seungcheol panics. ‘I mean, you look cute. Objectively. What I’m saying is you don’t look <em>bad</em>. This is okay, it’ll do, I guess.’ He clears his throat. ‘Shall we head out?’</p>
<p>Things get less awkward as they make their way to the first location on Seungcheol’s hit list. Unsurprisingly, Jeonghan has a lot to say about being forced to take the subway. He spends the majority of the trip complaining about how <em>confusing</em> the metro system is and just how impossible it is to navigate; all whilst making the journey with complete ease. Seungcheol is a good enough companion to completely agree with all of his date’s strong opinions, never once pointing out the fact that Jeonghan just rode the subway very successfully. </p>
<p>They get off at 47th-50th Streets; from there it’s a five-minute walk to Rockefeller Plaza. </p>
<p>When Jeonghan sees the ice rink he doesn’t exactly react positively. ‘Oh <em>no</em>. There’s <em>no way</em> you’re getting me on that ice.’</p>
<p>‘How are you supposed to learn anything about romance if you don’t leave your comfort zone once in a while? If you want to win over Joshua, you need to be willing to have a little fun.’ Seungcheol puts his hands on Jeonghan’s shoulders and looks him in the eye. ‘I promise I won’t let you fall.’</p>
<p>After a reluctant pause, Jeonghan caves. ‘If you do, I’ll kill you.’</p>
<p>‘No pressure then,’ Seungcheol rolls his eyes. ‘Let’s get some skates.’</p>
<p>Jeonghan’s first steps onto the ice are tentative to say the least; Seungcheol goes first, gliding ahead and holding out his hands. Jeonghan takes them without a second thought and whines a little as his skates touch the ice. </p>
<p>‘This is awful. Why would anyone find this fun? I hate you.’</p>
<p>Seungcheol can’t find it in himself to be hurt by Jeonghan’s complaints – not when his boss looks like he’s about to cry out of frustration. He’s always struck Seungcheol as the kind of person that has to be amazing at something on the first try or else he’ll give up entirely. </p>
<p>Jeonghan gives Seungcheol’s hands a little squeeze and skates even closer to him. Seungcheol blushes and it doesn’t go unnoticed – in fact, it’s so obvious that Jeonghan almost forgets his fear of skating. ‘Why are you getting bashful? Is this too much for you? I’m surprised, considering you’ve had your hands all over my body. In all sorts of intimate places.’</p>
<p>Feeling vengeful – and quite a bit embarrassed – Seungcheol lets go and skates a few paces away from Jeonghan, leaving him to fend for himself. Almost immediately, Jeonghan wobbles and looks as though he’s about to go down <em>hard</em>. Seungcheol hurries over to hold him up, but just as Jeonghan finds his centre of gravity and saves himself, Seungcheol hits the ice.</p>
<p>‘Why would you do that!?’ Jeonghan wastes no time leaning down and fussing over him. ‘You might’ve hurt yourself, you idiot!’</p>
<p>‘I seem to recall making a very solemn promise not to let you fall. I believe my life was forfeit.’</p>
<p>Jeonghan frowns at him, but there isn’t any real malice behind it – just concern. ‘I told you to stop me from falling, not to make a fool of yourself and get hurt. There’s a difference.’ As Seungcheol gets up – his clothes wet from the ice – Jeonghan reaches out a mittened hand. They start tentatively skating, hand in hand, and Seungcheol feels an overwhelming sense of happiness that he can’t quite explain. It’s somewhere between elation and complete contentment; his heart is pounding, almost about to burst, but Seungcheol is also incredibly calm.</p>
<p>He can’t put a finger on it. </p>
<p>‘It’s a good thing you didn’t break your neck,’ Jeonghan says, interrupting his thoughts. ‘Or else I wouldn’t have someone to teach me the mysterious art of dating.’</p>
<p>‘Yeah, right…’ Seungcheol is reminded of the real reason they’re here; not for hand holding and coy smiles, but for the sake of Jeonghan’s <em>actual</em> romantic partner. Why is this so upsetting? </p>
<p>Seungcheol has no claim over Jeonghan’s heart – only his body. He wonders what it would feel like to fuck him now, with all these strange conflicting emotions in his head. Seungcheol is overcome with want. No matter how hard and how desperate their lovemaking – no matter how close their naked bodies can get – Seungcheol knows his desires will always be unfulfilled. </p>
<p>A memory settles into place like the wings of a bird just slowing; something distant and seemingly unimportant drifts through his mind. Seungcheol is back in his college dorm. So as not to disturb his sleeping roommate, he’s reading by the light of a candle. Its white body drips wax onto the bedside table and Seungcheol turns through the pages of Wuthering Heights. He reads for enjoyment, not for duty; sometimes certain sentences, certain words, strike clean through him like a knife. They reach some deep, secret place right at his core. He feels it then, as he comes across a certain line; <em>“whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same”.</em></p>
<p>Now, as Seungcheol holds Jeonghan’s hand and keeps him steady as he makes a few rounds of the ice rink, he has a realisation. He doesn’t know if Jeonghan’s soul is made the same as his – not yet. But he wants to. </p>
<p>A dizzying rush of emotion comes all at once and Seungcheol is overwhelmed by the intensity of it.</p>
<p>He has feelings for Yoon Jeonghan.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>-</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It takes a few minutes of walking for Jeonghan to get used to being off the ice. As much as loathes to admit it, skating was actually <em>fun</em>. And there was something even more liberating in letting his guard down; showing up to a date in a comfortable but unflattering outfit, getting out of his comfort zone, actually laughing for once… it’s all done wonders for his confidence.</p>
<p>Jeonghan is certain that his date with Joshua will go well – although oddly enough, it’s barely crossed his mind.</p>
<p>Seungcheol has been charming and kind and proved himself an excellent friend. Everything’s gone so much better than expected and now, as they find themselves strolling through Central Park, the end of the night comes closer. </p>
<p>It’s not gone unnoticed that his companion is much quieter than before. Now that they find themselves away from the ruckus of the ice rink – almost completely alone – Seungcheol has retreated into himself. </p>
<p>‘Maybe I shouldn’t have laughed so much at you when you fell. Are you mad at me?’ He tries to break the silence. </p>
<p>‘No, I’d never be mad about something like that! I’m sorry if I’ve been less talkative…’ Seungcheol doesn’t offer an explanation for his contemplative mood and Jeonghan is too shy to ask. So instead, he sits down on a bench and pats the empty space next to him. Seungcheol fills it. </p>
<p>Jeonghan remembers that this is the coat he wore to work a few days ago – he pats the pocket and sure enough, there’s the paper crane he’d folded. Made from the sheet that Seungcheol passed to him in the storage room.</p>
<p>‘It’s pretty,’ Seungcheol notices it. ‘Did you fold it yourself?’</p>
<p>‘Yeah. My dad taught me when I was young. He told me that if I was ever worried about something, I should make a paper bird like this and all the bad thoughts could fly away with it.’ Not wanting the mood to get too heavy, he adds; ‘throwing paper cranes out of windows is really bad for the environment, thought. These days I have to keep my worries – or recycle them.’</p>
<p>‘So what worry is this?’ Seungcheol asks.</p>
<p>‘If I told you, it would break the spell and then the magic wouldn’t work.’ Jeonghan puts the tiny bird back into his coat pocket and feels a little silly for everything he’s said. It’s been such a long time since he’s spoken about his family back home. They’re a world away, in a small town that no one’s heard of. It hurts to think about, so Jeonghan chooses to ignore the homesickness; he fills up his days with overtime and more work than he can handle.</p>
<p>‘You’ll be able to go home soon, right?’ Seungcheol seems to have heard his thoughts. ‘For Christmas?’</p>
<p>‘No, I never go home. I get Christmas Day off and that’s it – there’s no time to travel. Sometimes they come visit me, but this year…’ </p>
<p>‘You’ll be by yourself?’ Seungcheol’s voice is full of pity. Jeonghan can’t bear it. If he lets in the smallest hint of sadness his defences will break under the pressure – and he doesn’t want to cry in front of Seungcheol. </p>
<p>‘Never mind that,’ Jeonghan clears his throat and faces the other man. ‘I’m here to learn, so teach me. If I was sitting on a bench like this with Joshua, what would happen?’</p>
<p>‘Well…’ Seungcheol scoots closer. Something has changed – his eyes look different now. More intense. The night feels quieter and full of expectation like a bated breath. ‘He might take your hands like this…’ Seungcheol takes off Jeonghan’s mittens. His skin is warm to the touch and Jeonghan can feel his pulse. ‘And he’ll look into your eyes and tell you how he feels.’</p>
<p>‘And… what might he say?’ Jeonghan knows he shouldn’t ask. But he does anyway.</p>
<p>‘He’ll say that the night has been fun, and that he doesn’t think he’s smiled this much in a long time… that he wishes the sun would never rise and that he could sit with you like this forever… just the two of you, whilst the rest of the world sleeps…’ </p>
<p>Jeonghan is speechless. If this is a test to see how he handles a confession of feelings, Jeonghan suspects he hasn’t passed it. But Seungcheol still hasn’t finished.</p>
<p>‘Then he might touch you—’ He lifts a hand and puts it on Jeonghan’s cheek, pulling him closer. ‘It’s very important that you stay absolutely still. Don’t move a muscle. Now, close your eyes…’</p>
<p>Surprised at just how quickly he obeys, Jeonghan’s eyelids flutter shut. Everything is dark. He thinks he can feel Seungcheol’s face just centimetres away from his; he can feel his breath and the warmth of the hand on his cheek. </p>
<p>Jeonghan knows he’s about to be kissed and he <em>wants it</em>. He wants Seungcheol’s lips to brush against his own, softly but urgently, as he holds him close enough to keep off the cold. He almost leans in and closes the distance himself, but the shock of this near transgression is enough to wake him up from the trance he’s fallen into. Jeonghan opens his eyes. He remembers where he is, who he is. </p>
<p>There’s still one rule that can’t be broken – he’ll never allow himself to kiss Seungcheol. </p>
<p>‘That was such a good lesson it almost felt real,’ Jeonghan laughs nervously as he stands up from the bench. ‘Luckily I already know what it’s like to kiss Joshua. If it happens at the Christmas party, I think I’ll be prepared!’</p>
<p>The look on Seungcheol’s face is almost enough to wipe the smile off Jeonghan’s own – but it fades into contentment before any damage is done. ‘In that case, I think I’ve taught you enough. The practice date can end right here. You did good.’</p>
<p>Jeonghan thinks he must have done something wrong, but he can’t figure out exactly what. He’s been so happy – he thought Seungcheol had too – and now the mood is quickly growing awkward.</p>
<p>‘Do you wanna come find a taxi with me? We can split the fare and go part of the way home together—’</p>
<p>‘I think I’d rather walk, but you go find a cab! I know you hate the cold,’ Seungcheol says with an unconvincing smile. When Jeonghan shows no sign of moving he tries a little harder to appear fine. ‘Go on, don’t worry about me. I’m actually stronger than I look – I don’t think I’ll get mugged or murdered. But if I do, you have to give a moving eulogy at my funeral.’</p>
<p>‘Okay…’ Jeonghan gives in. The date has ended so suddenly that it feels like he’s been rudely awoken from a very deep dream. ‘I’ll see you round then.’</p>
<p>The other man gives him a small wave and starts to turn away, but Jeonghan calls him back.</p>
<p>‘And Seungcheol? Thank you for tonight. I owe you. If you get murdered before I can thank you properly, I’ll kill you.’</p>
<p>The smile he gives Jeonghan is much more genuine; it’s the last thing he sees before Seungcheol turns back towards the night. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>-</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It’s almost midnight when Seungcheol gets home. He closes the door of his bedroom as quietly as possible – so as not to wake the others – and goes straight for the phone by the bed. The number has been written out in smudged biro on a piece of paper torn from his work diary. It’s hard to read at the best of times, let alone at night.</p>
<p>Seungcheol hasn’t had cause to use it yet; he hopes it’s correct.</p>
<p>Before punching the numbers in, he takes a moment to collect his thoughts. There’s always a kind of hesitation that comes before calling someone after dark, no matter how pressing the situation might be. Surrounded by all his belongings – some new, most of them dating back to his high school years – Seungcheol feels small. Insignificant. </p>
<p>He dials the number.</p>
<p>With each key he presses, Seungcheol thinks about the mess he’s made of everything. An easy solution was right in front of him – one that would benefit everyone with no feelings hurt – except it hasn’t quite worked out that way, has it? </p>
<p>On the last ring, the call is answered. </p>
<p>‘Hello?’</p>
<p>Seungcheol speaks quietly but with a firm voice; ‘Mingyu, I have a problem.’</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Twitter: <a href="https://twitter.com/cruel_cupidd?lang=en-gb">@cruel_cupidd</a></p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>‘Get up!’</p>
<p>A foot nudges him. Seungcheol hardly feels it underneath four layers of blankets – somehow it’s even colder out in the suburbs than it is in Manhattan. Without the hordes of pedestrians that frequent the city and trample down snow, Seungcheol’s little suburb is a veritable winter wonderland. </p>
<p>When Chan loses his patience and throws back open the curtains, the bedroom is awash with blinding early afternoon light. Reflected on layers of thick white snow, it burns even brighter than normal and Seungcheol tries to cover his face with the duvet. </p>
<p>‘You’re missing your last day of work before Christmas break,’ Chan says. Today he’s merciless; when Seungcheol tries to get comfortable and resume his busy schedule of being dead to the world, his younger brother pulls off the pile of blankets. ‘You’re not even sick, you’re just… <em>moping</em>.’</p>
<p>Seungcheol isn’t in the mood for conversation. The last time he really spoke to someone was two nights ago when he’d called Mingyu, and that discussion – brief as it was – only made him feel a whole lot worse. He’d confessed everything. For the first time ever, Seungcheol admitted aloud that he had feelings for Jeonghan. <em>Strong</em> feelings. He told Mingyu that he couldn’t keep up the act anymore – yes, Jeonghan would be happy with Joshua but Seungcheol’s heart would break a little more with each passing day. </p>
<p>Mingyu said he was sorry.  He said it was rough and that he felt for Seungcheol, but there was <em>nothing he could do</em>.</p>
<p>‘I know this job isn’t what you thought it would be.’ Chan sits on the edge of the bed. ‘I know you wouldn’t to write and be a reporter and do something exciting. But if you just persevere, I know they’ll see how great you are one day – me and mom already know. It probably doesn’t mean much but we’ll always be your fans.’</p>
<p>‘It isn’t just that,’ Seungcheol grumbles. He doesn’t want to talk about it, but he can already feel the tears coming. There’s a tidal wave of sadness inside him that needs to be released. ‘Everything in my life is so hopeless, Chan. I get worn down at work and then— then I come home here and I realise I have nothing. I love you and mom, more than anything, and I wanna do what I can to pay the pills and take care of you. But I’m lonely…’ he lets the confession sit there for a moment, heavy and heartbreakingly real.</p>
<p>He’s sobbing now, crying with complete abandon. ‘And there’s someone that I care about… someone that makes the loneliness a little bit lighter… but I can’t be with them. He doesn’t want me. Jeonghan… doesn’t want me...’</p>
<p>Chan holds him until the tears finally dry up and Seungcheol feels a bit foolish for the outburst, if not a little better. The whole experience was so cathartic that he even summons up enough willpower to leave his bedroom and eat a grilled cheese sandwich. They spend the rest of the afternoon together like this; Chan calls in sick and pays no attention to Seungcheol’s protests as he does so. It’s the day before Christmas Eve, after all. They pass the time enjoying each other’s company and watching Die Hard – the best holiday movie ever made, in Seungcheol’s humble opinion – until the doorbell rings and Chan gets weirdly quiet. </p>
<p>He follows Seungcheol to the front door, lingering behind him and peering over his shoulder with obvious shiftiness. </p>
<p>When he opens the door he sees Kim Mingyu in his usual dishevelled Friday ensemble. The reporter is just handsome enough to pull it off and it makes him appear even more obnoxious than normal. Before he can even say hello, Seungcheol turns all his attention back on Chan.</p>
<p>‘Was this your doing?’</p>
<p>‘I didn’t know who else to call! He’s the only friend from work whose phone number you have.’ Chan folds his arms and tries to look stern. The stoic demeanour doesn’t particularly suit him.</p>
<p>‘He’s not my <em>friend</em>.’ Seungcheol is close to slamming the door shut on their guest. His opinion on Mingyu has gone from bad to worse; Seungcheol had once admired him, for all his faults, but that was before he meddled in his personal life and made it ten times worse than before. Just as Jeonghan only wanted him for his body, Mingyu had used Seungcheol as a means of keeping his boss happy.</p>
<p>That’s all he really cares about.</p>
<p>‘If you’re here to tell me I should be helping Jeonghan plan for his date you can get lost. I’m happy to let you walk all over me at work but I can’t do this. It hurts me too much.’  </p>
<p>‘I think I might owe you an apology, Seungcheol.’ Mingyu actually looks earnest for once. ‘I told you to keep Jeonghan in a good mood, but I didn’t think about your feelings. And now you’ve ended up getting hurt.’</p>
<p>It’s not easy to accept an apology when you feel like your entire life has been thrown off course in one fell swoop, but even in the depths of despair Seungcheol has never been the kind of man to disregard someone else’s feelings. Holding a grudge isn’t easy.</p>
<p>‘You were doing what you thought was best for the paper. And besides, Jeonghan’s happy now anyway,’ Seungcheol says. There’s a small comfort in knowing that the man he loves is content – that he has someone to kiss him, hold him and make him smile.</p>
<p>‘That’s the thing…’ Mingyu adds. ‘I was glad when your brother called me – things have changed since we spoke. Jeonghan’s been really upset since you stopped coming to work. He’s distracted, he stares out of the window and makes paper animals all day. You know, origami.’</p>
<p>Seungcheol can hardly believe what he’s hearing – if Jeonghan cares this much about him then maybe… maybe there’s still hope after all...</p>
<p>‘What are you saying, Mingyu? He has Joshua, he likes Joshua—‘</p>
<p>‘I think he might like you too!’ Mingyu blurts out, getting a little too excited. ‘And I think I know what we can do to fix this.’</p>
<p> </p>
<p>-</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>Things are starting to look up, wouldn’t you say? But love doesn’t always blossom on two branches; one is still in bud, petals folded inward against the bitterness of winter. There’s no guarantee that it will risk an early blooming. Not when spring is so much safer.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I told you this was a love story; I never said it was a happy one.</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>-</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Shopping with Jun is an unnecessarily stressful endeavour. Jeonghan almost regrets asking his best friend to tag along – especially when he starts handing him far too many hangers. But this is the festive season, and it’s not exactly in the spirit of goodwill to throw a pile of suit jackets at someone’s face.</p>
<p>It’s Christmas Eve already and Jeonghan has left it until the very last minute to buy something nice for the black-tie event. Wanting to put his own touch on what would be an otherwise very drab suit, he and Jun are searching for a cute new blouse to add a little character to the look.</p>
<p>Now that he’s in the changing room and the clerk has left him alone with Jun, Jeonghan thinks this could be a good opportunity to talk things out. As he unbuttons his cardigan and reaches for the nearest hanger, Jeonghan speaks.</p>
<p>‘It probably doesn’t make <em>that</em> much of a difference what I wear to this party, right? I mean—’ Jeonghan’s voice is temporarily muffled as he pulls his shirt over his head, ‘—are we even sure it’s a good idea for me to go? It feels like a lot of pressure for a second date.’</p>
<p>From the other side of the curtain, Jun is disgruntled. ‘Tell me you’re joking. Seriously, you can’t be getting cold feet about this again! If you want to secure the bag and win over a man like that you have to think big!’ </p>
<p>Even though the store’s speaker system is blasting out background music – this time, Mariah Carey belting “All I Want for Christmas” – Jeonghan has no trouble hearing his friend. Jun has always had a problem with volume control; something that’s caused him one or two problems working in a gallery.</p>
<p>It’s not like Jeonghan doesn’t want this, it just feels <em>wrong</em>; especially when his friendship with Seungcheol is in such a rocky place. He hasn’t heard from the intern since their date and his absence at in the office hasn’t gone unnoticed. Jeonghan had no idea how much he’d miss the constant intrusions on meetings and unsolicited manuscripts until they suddenly stopped. </p>
<p>It doesn’t feel right to go to a big party and drink champagne whilst someone he cares about is hurting – even if Jeonghan doesn’t understand his pain. </p>
<p>It’s not just the date that doesn’t feel right; Jeonghan readjusts the blazer of the first suit and hates what he sees in the mirror. He pulls back the curtain and sees instantly that Jun shares his opinion – the grimace on his face is enough of an indication.</p>
<p>‘I hate it,’ Jeonghan says. </p>
<p>‘An abomination,’ Jun concurs. ‘Put the next one on quickly so I don’t have to keep looking at it.’ Perfectly timed, the clerk walks past the changing room and gives Jun the most judgemental stare of all time. ‘I mean— I can’t keep looking at it because it’s <em>so good</em>. Everything in this store looks like it’s come right out of Julia Roberts’ wardrobe!’</p>
<p>When she’s finally out of earshot Jeonghan allows himself to laugh before going behind the curtain once again.</p>
<p>‘Anyway… all I’m saying is that it feels like I’m rushing into this and maybe I’m not ready for something serious. I had so much fun just hanging out with Seungcheol a few nights ago, and maybe what I need right now is <em>friendship</em>.’ He buttons up the new shirt. ‘And a little casual sex on the side.’</p>
<p>This time when he steps out of the changing room Jun doesn’t look disgusted. Instead he’s giving Jeonghan that look he gets from time to time; the one that’s half pity, half resignation. It’s time for some tough love.</p>
<p>‘Jeonghan, there’s no reason why you can’t have a friend and a boyfriend – you don’t need to stop hanging out with Seungcheol if you start seeing Joshua. And you’ll still get regular sex, so you don’t have to worry about that. I think you’re scared of messing up or doing something wrong and you’re letting those feelings hold you back from getting something you really want. But if you really aren’t ready to get back out there, then I support your decision – no matter what.’</p>
<p>Jun is probably right. Jeonghan trusts his judgement better than his own, even when it comes to deeply personal matters like this. He sighs and feels deflated. ‘You didn’t tell me what you think of the outfit.’</p>
<p>‘I think we can do better. Why don’t you put on the last one I picked up? I have a good feeling about that.’</p>
<p>Jeonghan obeys. He knows that Jun means well and that his friend is most likely correct on all counts, but no amount of good advice can stop Jeonghan from feeling so on edge. It still seems wrong. It’s a confidence problem – it has to be – and maybe finding the right look could put everything right.</p>
<p>Considerably less hopeful than before, Jeonghan steps out and does a half-hearted spin to show off the suit. It’s pretty; a red velvet blazer with a high-collared cream blouse and a ribbon around the neck. Just feminine enough to appeal to his tastes but still conventional and suitable for a work-related party.</p>
<p>‘Yes! This is it. This is the look— you can’t tell me you don’t love it.’ Jun claps his hands together.</p>
<p>Jun is right, Jeonghan really can’t complain. He loves how he looks and starts to feel a faint spark in his chest once again. Perhaps there’s a chance this could work out for the best.</p>
<p>Maybe he can ignore the slight sinking feeling. </p>
<p>‘I love it,’ Jeonghan agrees. ‘Let’s take it to the checkout.’</p>
<p> </p>
<p>-</p>
<p>
  <em>Today is Christmas Eve; snow has settled, the empty white sky is still and vast as it slowly turns dark. Night comes like a growing shadow and the world seems to hold its breath.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Sitting on the porch of his mother’s house, Seungcheol waits for his ride. Each perfect little house has been decked out with lights and plastic reindeers; it reminds him of the kind of tableau you find in the centre of a snow globe. If you shake it up, tiny pieces of artificial snow will cascade in a flurry of glitter and water – a beautiful storm. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Nothing bad ever happens in a place like this.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Our hero feels broken as he thinks about the world outside of his small, snow-globe life. He counts down the minutes until the car will show up and take him to the next chapter of his existence. Seungcheol is ready to turn the page and start writing a new story. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>It might have happy ending – with a ball and a stolen kiss and the quiet resolution of reciprocated love – or it might end in tears. But the sorrow of an ending is better than the misery of never moving on. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>He thinks about the possibility of other places; new cities with new faces and a brand-new version of himself. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>And then Seungcheol thinks about what’s keeping him here.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Deep in the heart of the city, Jeonghan is leaning over his bathroom sink. The other protagonist of our story is not much of a hero either. He searches for something in the surface of the mirror – a spark of life, perhaps. Maybe an answer. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Or maybe he just doesn’t like the face that stares back at him. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Jeonghan tries a smile and convinces himself that he wants this. As he runs a hand along his own face – mimicking the way he’d been touched in Central Park – he fights back the devastating truth that he can’t allow himself to admit. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Jeonghan wonders how Seungcheol is spending Christmas Eve</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>-</p>
<p> </p>
<p>‘You came!’</p>
<p>When Joshua finally finds him, Jeonghan’s attempts at remaining calm are rendered completely useless. He’s been hiding behind the huge Christmas tree with a plate of buffet food, praying that no one will talk to him unless absolutely necessary. </p>
<p>He hadn’t intended on avoiding Joshua too, but something instinctual kicked when he heard his date had arrived. The hotel reception room suddenly felt quite intimidating with its pristine marble floors and crystal chandelier. </p>
<p>And besides, it was quite comfortable standing in the narrow space between the tree branches and the wall.</p>
<p>‘Of course I came, this is a date— I’d never stand you up.’ Jeonghan laughs nervously. He still can’t seem to leave his hiding place, no matter how hard he wills his legs to work. </p>
<p>‘Can I join you? It looks nice and snug over there.’</p>
<p>‘Oh, sure…’ Jeonghan squeezes further against the wall and before he can think about the consequences of his actions, Joshua is incredibly close to him. Jeonghan can smell the muskiness of his cologne and a lingering scent of champagne. He looks impeccable in a way that only old money can; Joshua Hong has been putting on evening wear half his life. He knows how to pair the right cufflinks with the right shirt, and it shows.</p>
<p>‘Some party, huh?’ Joshua tries to make small talk. Just like the last time they met, Jeonghan finds himself somewhat dazzled by his presence. Only this time there’s less of a burning desire to tear his clothes off – just a faint giddiness that makes it hard to maintain eye contact.</p>
<p>‘You must come here every year, being the owner of the paper. How come you never told me that when we first met?’</p>
<p>‘Ah, you discovered my terrible secret,’ he smiles and steals a canapé off Jeonghan’s plate. ‘I didn’t want to keep anything from you, it’s just difficult to date when…’ he trails off, perhaps finding it too uncouth to talk about the ridiculous amount of money in his bank account. ‘People like me better when I seem less intimidating. You can relate to that, being a senior editor.’</p>
<p>Jeonghan knows exactly what he means. He can’t say with any certainty that his team of writers like him – let alone anyone lower down the newspaper hierarchy. He’s efficient when it’s necessary and fair when it counts, but Jeonghan is a person with a fair amount of power and it’s not easy to hide that.</p>
<p>The only time anyone has ever come to like him since his promotion, was when he abandoned all pretences and showed his human side. And even that proved impossible to maintain – Seungcheol has all but disappeared from his life, leaving a sizeable void in his wake. </p>
<p>‘If it’s any consolation, I still like you despite the fact you could fire me at any given moment. What’s life without a little risk?’</p>
<p>‘Well in that case maybe I’ll abuse my power a little,’ Joshua steps out from behind the tree and offers his hand to Jeonghan. ‘If you don’t come out and start having some fun, I’ll have to hire a new managing editor.’</p>
<p>Jeonghan feels a bit lighter. It turns out seeing Joshua isn’t so bad after all. Having a familiar face in a sea of strangers comes as a huge relief – Jeonghan could use a friend. </p>
<p>‘Mr Hong, are you asking me to dance?’</p>
<p>‘Only if you promise not to be upset when I stand on your feet.’</p>
<p>Jeonghan takes his hand and steps back into the party. He can’t be sure, but it feels as though something has shifted between them. Joshua seems more open, more relaxed, more… uninvested?</p>
<p>His bedroom eyes are long gone, and Jeonghan should be worried about this – if Jun were here, he certainly would be – but he just can’t summon up the concern. As Jeonghan walks into the centre of the room and lets Joshua spin him around clumsily, he feels perfectly content…</p>
<p>…Aside from the small, dull ache right in the heart of his chest that never seems to leave him.</p>
<p>But Jeonghan isn’t ready to face that pain yet.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>- </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Seungcheol is amazed at how everything came together at the last minute; Kim Mingyu is a man that thrives in high pressure environments, and he somehow managed to rent a last-minute tux <em>and</em> get invites to a very exclusive Christmas Eve party. </p>
<p>It’s been a bewildering twenty-four hours and now that the dust has finally settled, Seungcheol feels completely unprepared for the sea of elite New Yorkers laid out before him. Like a fish out of water, he takes a glass of champagne and tries to look cool and collected as he sips it. He’s never liked the taste, but Seungcheol supposes he has to get used to this sort of thing if Mingyu’s hypothesis proves correct.</p>
<p>But that’s all it is for the time being: a theory. They’re here tonight so they can put it to the test and find out if Jeonghan really does have feelings for him after all. This is a very exciting prospect, but Seungcheol isn’t overly keen on what will come first. </p>
<p>A declaration of his love. </p>
<p>‘Are you sure this is a good idea?’ he asks his new friend. ‘I’m basically crashing Jeonghan’s date. He’s literally here with another man – it kinda doesn’t seem like he’s into me…’</p>
<p>‘You’ll never win him over with that attitude. Where’s the sexy alpha male that got Jeonghan out of his panties?’ Mingyu gives him yet another nudge; Seungcheol’s arm is beginning to ache from all the rough housing. ‘You guys did actually bone, right?’</p>
<p>‘I can’t believe I need to say this again, but <em>please</em> don’t talk about my sex life in public.’ Seungcheol takes a deep breath and smiles politely at a few suspicious partygoers before feeling the need to add, ‘And yes, we definitely boned. There was boning. Both parties were satisfied with said boning.’</p>
<p>Mingyu starts leading them right into the heart of the party and Seungcheol has no choice but to follow. </p>
<p>‘Well maybe when this is all over and you’ve got your man, we should talk sometime. We can get a beer and you can tell me all the sordid details about your nocturnal conquests.’</p>
<p>‘You’re kind of creepy, you know that?’ Seungcheol says. ‘But I’ll go for a beer with you. As long as you’re buying.’</p>
<p>The thought of having a real, tangible friend is almost enough to distract him from the ever-looming threat of rejection. It’s at least a little comforting to know come what may, Seungcheol will still be a little less alone than he was before. </p>
<p>‘Look!’ Mingyu nudges him again, but this time Seungcheol is too distracted to notice the pain. ‘There he is – and he’s all by himself, too.’</p>
<p>All Seungcheol can do is stare in admiration and terror at the object of his affections. On the other side of the room, through a pair of French doors left slightly ajar, Jeonghan is standing on a balcony. He looks so peaceful as he stares out into the night; almost as if he’s been waiting for Seungcheol to come and find him. </p>
<p>If it weren’t for the threat of Mingyu picking him up and carrying him over, Seungcheol probably would’ve stayed frozen to the spot. Wanting to keep as much of his dignity intact as possible, Seungcheol wills himself to walk over. </p>
<p>‘Good luck! You got this!’ Mingyu offers him some support before going off in search of more booze. The words fall flat, and Seungcheol can’t seem to get his heartbeat under control. He’s never been this nervous about anything in his life; not even the interview for the internship that brought him one step closer to fulfilling a long-held dream.</p>
<p>Stepping onto the balcony brings him back to reality. Adrenaline kicks in as soon as Jeonghan turns around and notices his presence. The look of absolute shock on his boss’ face is entertaining enough to make him smile and ease into the situation. </p>
<p>‘Hey,’ he offers. Seungcheol can’t keep the grin off his face – he’s sure his eyes must be dripping with fondness but it’s impossible to hold back.</p>
<p>‘What are you doing here?’ Jeonghan doesn’t give him a chance to answer that question. ‘You look so— I mean, you’re wearing a <em>tux</em>. It suits you…’</p>
<p>He walks up to Seungcheol, closing the distance between them. Jeonghan runs a hand across the lapel of the suit, convincing himself this is real and not some kind of daydream. Then, in a sudden unexpected outburst, he hits Seungcheol on the chest.</p>
<p>‘You disappeared! I was so worried about you; you have no idea! I thought you really did get mugged in the park – or worse, murdered – and then it would be my fault. And— and then I’d have to live with myself knowing that things ended badly between us.’</p>
<p>‘Things aren’t bad between us, Jeonghan. I’m so sorry I disappeared for a while, but I’m not upset—’</p>
<p>Jeonghan isn’t having any of it. ‘—No, I <em>must’ve</em> done something wrong on that date. I thought I’d finally learnt how to have fun and let loose, but by the end of the night you didn’t want to have anything to do with me. It really hurt. I really missed you… a lot…’</p>
<p>‘I promise you none of this is your fault. It was all mine. I let things get a little too intense and it messed with my head a bit, but Jeonghan, having you in my life has made me so happy—’</p>
<p>Once again, Seungcheol is interrupted; this time by Jeonghan very suddenly wrapping his arms around his shoulders and hugging him so tight he can hardly breathe. Seungcheol’s heart is once again pounding relentlessly. He allows himself to think that maybe – just maybe – Mingyu is right.</p>
<p>He does have a chance.</p>
<p>‘You’ve made me so happy too. Really.’ Jeonghan speaks into his chest, burying his face there. ‘I didn’t want you to hate me – I need you in my life. And I’m so glad you came here tonight. There’s no one I’d rather spend Christmas Eve with.’</p>
<p>Seungcheol think this is it: a confession is coming. </p>
<p>‘We should dance!’ Jeonghan takes his hand and leads him back into the party. This isn’t exactly what Seungcheol was expecting but he can’t say he’s disappointed by this turn of events. </p>
<p>It’s been such a long time since he’s properly touched Jeonghan. Their relationship has fizzled out to a series of fleeting caresses; hands held momentarily; skin so lightly touched. There was a time not so long ago when Seungcheol had the freedom to do whatever he wanted with Jeonghan’s body. He hasn’t forgotten this. As he places his hands on Jeonghan’s waist and feels the lack of distance between them, Seungcheol finds his mind wandering to improper places.</p>
<p>But the desire he feels for Jeonghan now is very different. He wants to be close to him, to love him gently and slowly. Seungcheol wants to </p>
<p>And if it weren’t for the other couples dancing near them, he’d try his luck right then and there. </p>
<p>‘You look good when you actually make an effort. How’d you get the suit?’ Jeonghan asks, apparently not as a flustered as Seungcheol is. </p>
<p>‘Mingyu worked his magic. He knew how much I wanted to make things right with you, so he helped out.’</p>
<p>‘As upset as I was about your little disappearing act, I’m quite pleased with the results.’ Jeonghan smirks and leans in towards Seungcheol’s ear. ‘You know, we could always go back to my place after this. So I can admire you properly.’</p>
<p>Okay, maybe Seungcheol is a little less confident than he was before. Jeonghan is happy to see him – maybe a little <em>too</em> happy – and Seungcheol wonders if that excitement goes beyond just sex.</p>
<p>‘Oh, I don’t think there’s much to admire…’ Seungcheol isn’t sure how to deal with this. In all the different scenarios he imagined in his head, none of them prepared him for Jeonghan’s horniness. He was ready for tears, spite, confusion – even a dramatic, passionate admission of love. </p>
<p>But not Jeonghan’s hand wandering slowly towards his ass. </p>
<p>‘Don’t be modest. You know how much I love your body. And it’s been so long since we’ve had any fun…’</p>
<p>Now Jeonghan gives Seungcheol’s ass a playful squeeze. The music comes to a stop and Seungcheol is grateful for the sudden space between the two of them; perhaps he jumps away a little too eagerly, because Jeonghan is looking at him with slight mistrust in his eyes. </p>
<p>Seungcheol is far too confused to make sense of any of this. He’s aroused but anxious, concerned about Jeonghan openly flirting with him and desperate for some kind of hint that his feelings are even slightly reciprocated. But instead of reassurance, Seungcheol gets offered a drink.</p>
<p>‘I’ll go get us some champagne— I’ll be right back!’</p>
<p>Jeonghan darts off so quickly that Seungcheol can hardly spot him in the crowd. His boss paces further and further away until he’s left completely alone without a single familiar face to comfort him.</p>
<p>It hasn’t gone particularly well. </p>
<p>Seconds turn into minutes. </p>
<p>People come and go; songs are played and finish whilst couples slow dance on the pristine marble floor. </p>
<p>Seungcheol’s watch shows that Jeonghan has been gone fifteen minutes. </p>
<p>It’s late now – almost Christmas Day and Seungcheol feels like he’s running out of time. He knows he doesn’t belong here. At the stroke of midnight, the magic will fade into nothing and Seungcheol will wander back to his little house in the suburbs. It’ll be as though he were never here.</p>
<p>If he can’t find Jeonghan now, his feelings will go unsaid.</p>
<p>This is not the time for waiting; Seungcheol makes his way through the throng of partygoers looking for a familiar head of blonde hair. He pushes past strangers that he doesn’t recognise, ducking under tinsel and low-hanging Christmas decorations until he finally finds what he’s looking for.</p>
<p>Seungcheol calls out.</p>
<p>‘Jeonghan!’</p>
<p>Just as the man he loves catches sight of him, Seungcheol watches in disbelief as Jeonghan embraces Joshua. There’s no regret or shock or guilt on Jeonghan’s beautiful face when he glances over and smiles at Seungcheol.</p>
<p>What a fool he’s been. </p>
<p>What an idiot.</p>
<p>Seungcheol turns around and heads for the door as quickly as he can, tears threatening to overpower him. He can hear someone calling his name, but he won’t let up – not until a hand touches his shoulder and spins him around. Jeonghan has followed him.</p>
<p>‘What’s wrong? Are you okay?’</p>
<p>Still – after all this time – he doesn’t know. </p>
<p>‘No, Jeonghan. I’m not okay. I haven’t been okay for quite a while, actually.’ He tries to turn away again and run as far from Jeonghan as possible, but the other man refuses to let him go. </p>
<p>‘Why are you acting like this? Tell me. Please.’</p>
<p>Everything seems to go silent; Seungcheol is only aware of the man in front of him and the dizziness in his head. </p>
<p>‘Because I love you!’ He can’t help the tears now, Seungcheol is powerless to hold them back. ‘I’m in love with you, Jeonghan. And it’s been killing me a little every single day. I just— I can’t keep doing this anymore. I can’t be your friend and I can’t sleep with you and I can’t help you date other men.’ </p>
<p>He takes a deep breath. This time when he steps away, Jeonghan makes no attempt to hold him back. </p>
<p>‘I know you want to be with someone else. I’m sorry— I should never have told you. I’m sorry…’ </p>
<p>Seungcheol leaves the party and lets the cold night breeze cut through him. </p>
<p>He walks away from Jeonghan and doesn’t look back. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>-</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jun’s voice is the only thing keeping Jeonghan grounded. The apartment is lightless – quiet except for the distant, gentle noise of New York traffic – and his friend’s voice is a little fuzzy and distorted on the other end of the cell phone. </p>
<p>He’s alone and it doesn’t feel like Christmas; but then again, it never has. Not since he moved to the city and let go of the person he used to be.</p>
<p>‘You don’t have to apologise,’ Jun says softly. ‘There’s nothing to be sorry for.’</p>
<p>It doesn’t seem that way. Jeonghan didn’t care when he noticed Joshua’s shift in behaviour; he didn’t feel bad when he ditched him and danced with a man that made him happier; and Jeonghan didn’t mind one bit when his date pulled him aside and told him that they were better off as just friends. </p>
<p>But it hurt like hell when Seungcheol told him how he felt, and that it was hopeless between them…</p>
<p>‘Still, I can’t believe the nerve of that man. To lead you on when he had feelings for someone else the whole time…’</p>
<p>Joshua had admitted it as earnestly as he could. He’d told Jeonghan that their date was an attempt to bury his feelings for someone else – someone less <em>appropriate</em>. Joshua Hong, playboy millionaire and newspaper mogul, had fallen in love with the boy that cleaned his house. </p>
<p>Jeonghan was a stand-in for someone else.</p>
<p>But then, hadn’t he done exactly the same thing?</p>
<p>‘Don’t be angry with him, Jun. I understand why he did it— I can relate…’ Jeonghan curls up even more under the warmth of his blanket. For the first time, he notices just how soulless and empty his apartment looks. He never bothered with a tree or even a few tiny ornaments. Jeonghan wonders what Seungcheol’s house must look like tonight; he imagines it lit up with strings of twinkling lights, bright enough to fight off the darkness. </p>
<p>‘You have feelings for Seungcheol, don’t you?’</p>
<p>Jeonghan nearly drops his phone. He sits up, rudely awoken from his reverie, and wraps the blanket around his shoulders.</p>
<p>‘What? I never said told you that! How— how did you know?’</p>
<p>Jun sighs. ‘It was painfully obvious. I just thought you really liked Joshua too, and… I was concerned that maybe Seungcheol was only interested in sex. I didn’t want you to get hurt, Hannie.’</p>
<p>‘He told me he loves me,’ Jeonghan blurts out. ‘But… it doesn’t matter now. It’s too late. I’ve hurt him too much and played with his feelings. He thinks I don’t like him back and maybe it should stay that way. I don’t wanna disappoint him even more, I’m not—’</p>
<p>‘Stop talking!’ Jun is so vehement that Jeonghan shuts up right away. ‘You mean to tell me that the man you <em>actually</em> have feelings for is crazy about you too, and you’re moping around at home? Yoon Jeonghan, if you don’t go over there and confess to him—’</p>
<p>‘Jun, it’s 2am. And I don’t actually know his address. But I suppose… I could swing by the office tomorrow morning and check the records…’ Jeonghan puts his head in his hands. ‘This is insane – like something out of a corny romance film.’</p>
<p>‘It’s Christmas; if there was ever a time to be corny, it’s now. So maybe you should stop holding yourself back and actually take the things you want.’</p>
<p>And Jeonghan does decide to take it. As Christmas morning slowly dawns, Jeonghan lies back on his pillow and dreams of a small house in the snow with a man waiting for him at the window. It’s a deep and peaceful kind of sleep – the best his had in months – and when he wakes up hours later, he finds that he’s already a little behind schedule.</p>
<p>It’s 10.42am. </p>
<p>Jeonghan throws on a fluffy white turtleneck and grabs his coat, for once not caring much about his appearance. The world outside has already woken up. He can hear the bustle of a Manhattan morning even with the Christmas music playing in the lobby. </p>
<p>‘Merry Christmas, Mr Yoon.’ The doorman tips his had to him and when Jeonghan looks back to offer him a smile, he notices something hanging from the entrance. A scheme starts to form in his mind.</p>
<p>‘You don’t mind if I borrow this, do you?’</p>
<p>‘Actually—’</p>
<p>‘Thanks! Have a great day!’ Jeonghan runs over and grabs what he’s after before racing out onto the snowy streets. </p>
<p>He has a lot to do and no time to waste at all. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>-</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It’s almost dinner time and everything is as perfect as it can be in the Choi household; Chan is playing a brand-new video game on his Super Nintendo console with minimal shouting; Seungcheol has been shovelling so much snow from the driveway that his back hurts; and in the kitchen, his mother complains frequently about the state of the turkey. Seungcheol knows he’ll have to get in the festive spirit as soon as the table is laid, but for the time being there’s a kind of peacefulness in sitting alone. </p>
<p>Sitting on the edge of his bed, he flips through the empty pages of the leather-bound journal his mother has bought him. He’ll have to throw himself into his work – however uninspiring it as at the moment – because there’s nothing else out there for him.</p>
<p>Jeonghan can never be his. </p>
<p>Seungcheol smiles at the thought of just how pathetic he is. Heartbroken and brooding on Christmas Day – someone could write a song about this. It would probably be a chart-topper, too.</p>
<p>Just as he starts contemplating the practicalities of starting a last-minute music career, there’s a loud thump. Seungcheol jumps out of his skin but can’t see anything that might’ve fallen down in his bedroom. There it is again: another thump.</p>
<p>This time he sees it</p>
<p>A snowball hits his window and crumbles away against the windowpane. The neighbourhood kids must be acting up again; Seungcheol doesn’t have time for this. He marches over and throws open the window, ready to shake his fist at the twins from next door – they’re no match for him—</p>
<p>It’s not the twins. It’s not even the three kids from the bottom of the street with their BB guns. </p>
<p>It’s Jeonghan.</p>
<p>‘I’m so glad that was your window,’ he says with an angelic smile. Jeonghan’s cheeks are flushed from the cold and he looks…. Well, he looks <em>beautiful</em>. ‘It would’ve been super embarrassing if this was your mom’s bedroom.’</p>
<p>‘I never told you where I lived,’ Seungcheol frowns. His brain won’t kick into gear and he isn’t sure what else to say. </p>
<p>‘I have my ways,’ Jeonghan shrugs. ‘Now are you gonna come down and open the front door? I don’t have a boombox – this isn’t a “Say Anything” kind of situation.’</p>
<p>Seungcheol is surprised Jeonghan has even watched a rom com like that, but he’s even more surprised that he’s having a conversation with him in the first place. Here. At his house. On Christmas Day. As he races downstairs, he pauses very briefly to fix his hair – a futile gesture – and make sure that this isn’t actually an extremely convincing dream. </p>
<p>It’s not. </p>
<p>Jeonghan really is standing at his door.</p>
<p>‘How did you get here?’ Seungcheol peers over his shoulder, looking for a taxi or a car.</p>
<p>‘I took the subway,’ Jeonghan says proudly. ‘And then I took a <em>train</em>. It’s been a harrowing experience and you really need to live much closer.’</p>
<p>Something feels off; Jeonghan <em>hates</em>trains, but still he took one to come and see Seungcheol. And he looks so happy despite everything that’s passed between them. He knows exactly how Seungcheol feels and still he’s there…</p>
<p>‘And why exactly are you standing at my front door ten minutes before my mom is about to serve Christmas dinner?’ He tries to be standoffish and stoic, to assert his authority and not get his heart broken yet again. </p>
<p>‘First of all, I think it’s very sweet that you still live with your mom – but there’s a very important reason why I’m here.’ Jeonghan seems to lose a little of his determination. ‘Seungcheol… I’m sorry that I used you. At first, I wanted something uncomplicated without feelings involved, and then when we got closer, I realised I liked having you in my life. I don’t mind it being complicated – not when it’s you.’</p>
<p>‘What’re you saying?’ Seungcheol is barely breathing. </p>
<p>‘I’m saying that I have feelings for you! And I’ve liked you since the night in the department store. I just took me a while to understand what that meant, but I know now. You’ve made me happier than anyone else has in years and I want to be with you.’ Having said his piece, Jeonghan exhales. ‘If you’ll still have me…’</p>
<p>Seungcheol doesn’t want to be cautious. He wants to jump in at the deep end and thank whatever mysterious deity is responsible for answering his endless stream of requests to the universe. But life isn’t always that simple.</p>
<p>‘How do I know you really mean it? That you’re sure?’</p>
<p>Jeonghan seems to have come prepared; he reaches into his pocket and pulls out something familiar. It’s the sprig of mistletoe from the lobby of his apartment building. He holds it up above his head and walk over to Seungcheol.</p>
<p>‘I want to break the last rule. That’s how sure I am.’</p>
<p>When Seungcheol doesn’t immediately spring into action, Jeonghan momentarily panics. ‘You don’t have to kiss me, I guess—’</p>
<p>The rest of his words are muffled as Seungcheol swoops down and kisses Jeonghan with all the love and passion he’s forced himself to hold back for months. It’s everything he thought it would be and more; Jeonghan’s lips are so impossibly soft against his own. Seungcheol feels complete. He puts a hand on Jeonghan’s waist and deepens the kiss. At the feeling of Seungcheol’s tongue meeting his own, Jeonghan lets out an involuntary moan which only makes him kiss even harder. </p>
<p>Seungcheol is so lost in the moment that he panics and pulls away in a state of shock when he hears someone clearing their throat.</p>
<p>Chan is standing across the hallways with a plate of freshly roasted root vegetables in one hand and a gravy boat in the other. ‘Dinner is served – but I see you’re already helping yourself.’ He sniggers and steps into the dining room.</p>
<p>‘So, to clarify,’ Jeonghan says, tugging at his shirt, ‘are we dating now?’</p>
<p>Seungcheol puts an arm around his new boyfriend and brings him inside, out of the cold. His smile is genuine; he has so much to be happy about. ‘Oh, we’re definitely dating. And you’re about to meet my family.’</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>In my mind Joshua had feelings for Seokmin but its open to interpretation ahjdkbfsd</p>
<p>Thank you to anyone that's made it to the end of my stupid fic!</p>
<p>Twitter: <a href="https://twitter.com/cruel_cupidd?lang=en-gb">@cruel_cupidd</a></p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I'm gonna upload the other two chapter straight away, but if you've enjoyed it so far please feel free to leave a comment! </p>
<p>Twitter: <a href="https://twitter.com/cruel_cupidd?lang=en-gb">@cruel_cupidd</a></p></blockquote></div></div>
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